This is too weird to make up

Being a news junkie, I take the time to read newspapers, surf Internet sites and watch broadcast news on TV.
I simply have to know what is going on around the world all the time.
I have come across a variety of bizarre and unusual stories.
A while ago I read the story of an 82-year-old grandma who laid a beating on a man who was trying to rob her.
The 20-something bad guy attempted to grab granny’s purse, but the feisty senior refused to let go, took the guy to the ground and proceeded to give him a good, old fashioned whoopin’.
When police arrived and saved the culprit, super granny was quoted as saying, “It’s too bad the police got here so soon. I was really going to kick his ass.”
Now that’s my kind of granny.
No sitting around baking cookies and knitting for her. This granny is probably down at the gym pumping iron and taking full-contact kick boxing classes.
She may have been the only person collecting an old age pension to hold a title in her weight class.
I wonder what happened to the thief wannabe after he was sentenced.
How rough was prison for this guy?
Fellow inmate, “So what are you in for?”
Purse snatcher, “I killed 92 people with a fork.”
Fellow inmate, “Wow you are one bad dude. No one better mess with you. Hey, wait a minute aren’t you the guy who got beat up by an old lady?”
The prison explodes in uproarious laughter and the purse snatcher knows his reputation as a tough guy is done.
How much respect could this guy possibly get?
Purse snatcher, “No, that wasn’t me. It was, um, my evil and much wimpier twin. I pled guilty for him to spare him the embarrassment of dealing with this in prison. Honest.”
More prison laughter.
I’ve never been to prison, but I am assuming you do not want to be known as the guy who got his butt whooped by a member of the blue hair club.
Another story involved a lady who ran over her husband because she thought he was possessed by Mickey Mouse.
I guess the eight-foot tall mouse trap didn’t work so she had to take matters into her own hands.
The part I can’t figure out is what’s the big deal? Even if her husband was possessed by Mickey how bad could it?
Granted, he is a giant rodent, but it’s Mickey Mouse for crying out loud. Kids love the guy. He’s an icon of the Happiest Place on Earth.
If her husband was possessed by Donald Duck then maybe she could plead self defense because that guy has some anger management issues that really should be addressed. Counselling or maybe some self help discs would be in order for The Donald.
Mickey, on the other hand, takes everything in stride, is friendly to everyone and would never hurt a fly.
Perhaps living with that high, squeaky voice could be a little irritating, but hardly a reason to flatten someone with a Buick.
I don’t know what happened to the lady, but I am sure it involved interacting with some form of mental health specialist.
I believe the husband survived the car incident, but was later eaten by a 90-foot tall cat, a tragic ending to a bizarre story.

OK, so I'm not a cowboy

I have never felt more like a city slicker in my life.
I grew up in a rural area with hills to climb and creeks to fish in, but after spending four days at a ranch, I realized I am seriously out of place on a real, working ranch.
We were visiting relatives who owned the ranch which was a fair drive down a winding, forest-lined road.
The ranch house was an amazing log home, and the 400 acres came with a full compliment of ranch-type critters.
We arrived in a mini-van loaded with people pulling a tent trailer loaded with stuff.
We don’t visit, we invade.
Working on one of the corral fences when we pulled up, was a cousin who was in amazing shape. He had spent the last few years working hard at the physical job and it showed. I am not gay or anything, but damn….
He, of course, was shirtless and I figured the only way I would take off my shirt was if it was on fire. And even then I would try to roll around and put it out first, lest the people and animals be frightened by my pasty white complexion and hard-earned layer of flab.
We said hello to everyone and set up our trailer before exploring the wonderful world of ranching.
Among their stock were a few cows, a bull, seven big dogs and a quite a few horses.
On the second day of our visit, there was a commotion near the barn. One of the horses had gotten out of his stall and was having words with another male horse.
The alpha male horse – the one who got out – was not taking kindly to this upstart pony trying to muscle in on his ladies, and he was not shy about letting his feelings be known.
He was huffing and puffing and clomping his feet on the ground while the other, and somewhat smaller horse, did the same in an effort to save face in front of the girls.
If it came down to a good old fashioned horse brawl, I had my money on the alpha male.
The ranch hand cousin then stepped into the middle of the melee and tried to herd alpha male back to his coral.
Being all worked up, Alf, as I started calling him, was not interested in being confined and trotted around in a show of horse defiance.
We were asked to stand between two fences with our arms outstretched to make a human fence, while Cuz’ tried to move the beast into his pen.
For a brief moment Alf ran straight at me. This was the biggest horse I had ever seen and I figured if it got any closer, I would keep my arms outstretched, point to the wide open hills behind me and say, “There you go” while stepping to the side to make room for him.
However, he decided to go back into his coral, only to escape again a couple hours later. It would seem Alf had figured out how to undo the latch on the gate. Smart horse.
The latch problem was soon solved, but my personal interaction with ranch animals was far from over.
The next day I was walking with my then 10-year-old niece, when I noticed the bull had gotten out of his pen.
“What is with animals getting out of their confines around here? Hasn’t anyone ever heard of a lock?”
Anyway, I was looking at this bull and he was looking at me. The day prior, I had pulled a muscle in leg and could barely walk let alone run, so I calmly said to my niece to slowly move to a nearby fence, crawl through it and we would be safe.
Just as I said the word “safe,” I looked over to see a trail of dust as my niece sprinted for the house faster than Elvis heading to an all-you-can-eat buffet.
This got the bull’s attention and left me and the beast in a classic stare down. Let’s just say I blinked first and hobbled to the fence as fast as I could while he strutted over to check me out.
Safely behind the fence, I felt a surge of courage, and besides, the ranch hand cousin had shown up on his horse and was moving the bull back to the coral.
In both cases, I felt rather inadequate and thought maybe the ranch life wasn’t for me, at least not a ranch that has animals on it.
I don’t even know if I could handle an ant farm.

Copyright 2015, Darren Handschuh

This is so weird it has to be true

It was a good news, weird news situation for an Indiana woman who had an operation on her brain recently.
The 26-year-old PHd student was having trouble comprehending the things she read or what people around her were saying, but doctors couldn't agree on what was wrong with her.
Eventually they arrived at the conclusion it was a tumour of some sort and a minimally invasive brain operation was conducted to see what was going on.
The good news is it was not a tumour. The weird news is it was her embryonic twin.
Doctors found the tumour was actually a "teratoma" - a relatively rare case of an embryonic twin, complete with bone, hair and teeth.
(Her first thought was, “Oh great, another mouth to feed.” Sorry folks, I could not resist.)
I will admit just about every horror movie I have ever seen about weird things growing out of your body flashed through my mind when I read about her condition.
The woman had a good sense of humour about it, saying it was her “evil twin who had been causing all those problems for the past 26 years.”
The woman is expected to make a full recovery, her “twin” not so much.
It would seem May 2 was World Naked Gardening Day.
I did not know that – and the world is a better place for it.
ﾒPeople across the globe are encouraged to tend their portion of the world's garden unclothed as nature intended,” said a WNGD spokesperson, adding it is a “family friendly phenomenon.”
There is so much wrong with that last statement I don't know where to begin.
Family friendly? Perhaps the years of therapy needed to help the children deal with the event will bring the family together, but if I ever saw my parents wandering around the garden naked...yikers.
Let's just say that would not have been good for anyone and I am quite positive my children feel the same way.
The spokesperson went on to say the idea was to make gardens – private or public – more beautiful. I have mirrors in my house, I know what I look like sans clothing and believe me folks, such a sight would not make the world a more beautiful place.
Unless you think the sound of people screaming while gouging their own eyes out is beautiful.
Across the pond, a British economy airline announced it will charge people the equivelent of around $15 to notify them if the airline had to cancel the flight.
Despite it being the airlines fault the flight was cancelled, it still felt it necessary to dip into people's wallets as much as possible.
Hmm, sounds like the banking business is moving into the airline business.
Back in the U.S.A., a man is facing weapons charges after a shooting at a gas station in which one man was wounded.
Was the suspect being robbed by the man he shot? Nope.
Was the man he shot assaulting someone and the suspect came to their defence? Nope and nope.
Then what would have caused the man to pull out a handgun and open fire on another human being?
The suspect told police he thought he victim was staring at him as he filled his car.
Well if that isn't reason enough to use lethal force on a total stranger, I don't know what is.
It's a good thing the victim did not bump into him or the suspect could have pulled out a bazooka and blown the whole place to pieces.
And finally, In Nebraska a woman has filed a lawsuit against every gay person in the entire world because she believes they are sinning.
Obviously a bit of a religious zealot (see nut bagel), she presented the court with a hand-written, seven-page document that outlined her position.
I highly doubt the lawsuit will proceed farther than a few late night TV show jokes, let alone have a chance of winning, but if she does win I plan on filing a lawsuit against all the stupid people in the world.
I will be the richest man on the planet.


Copyright 2015, Darren Handschuh

More news, more weirdness

It would seem some people have more money than brains.

A gentleman in the U.K. spent more than $500 to keep an office pet alive.

Very noble you say? Why would I speak negative about such a kind act you say? Because the office pet was a gold fish.

Apparently, the small, finned beast had some sort condition that caused a nasty bout of constipation, which put the fish in a state of distress.

OK, let's stop here for a second and ask 'how do you know if a goldfish is constipated?'

Who keeps track of these things and why?

Do you pay that much attention to the fish you notice he is not doing well in that particular area?

And again, I must ask why.

Anyway, somehow this guy determined the fish was not pooping enough, so he enlisted the aid of a veterinarian who removed the 'patient' from the bowl, flooded its gills with anesthetic-fortified water, and used a tiny scalpel to remove lumps that were causing the constipation, with the surgery guided by a miniature heart-rate monitor.

Remember folks, this a goldfish that can be replaced for less than $5.

When asked why he went through so much effort and expense to save a fish, the man gave no concrete reason, saying only that he liked the fish a lot.

I like fish a lot too, but I prefer mine with some butter, pepper and a dash of lemon.

And thus we begin another edition of weirdos in the news.

Keeping the United Kingdom, a gentlemen was obsessed with American reality star Kim Kardashian.

He was not obsessed in a hide-in-the-bushes-in-front-of-her-house sort of way, but in a I-want-look-exactly-like-her sort of way.

So in his quest to look like the 'star' (who is given that title for no real skill or ability other than to be trashy in public) he spent more than $150,000 on plastic surgery for 50 cosmetic procedures.

I can think of a lot of ways this guy could have spent the money in a more productive manner, the first of which is counselling with an expert in the mental health field.

But, it's his money and if he wants to spend it all to look like a Karadashian, who's to argue – snicker, yes, argue, no.

Speaking of Americans, let's return to the land of the weird where there is no shortage of odd behaviour.

Authorities in Phoenix were pleased that celebratory gunfire was down on New Years.

Police estimated there were 22 per cent fewer bullets randomly fired into the air to celebrate the arrival of 2015.

The department received reports on only 206 bullets discharged without concern for where they would land – good news indeed.

Christopher Soon should get lawyer of the year honours for successfully defending a client who was charged with breaking a law that was written specifically for him.

It would seem the defendant had a rather odd fetish – he liked to collect urine from public urinals. After being arrested and charged twice with loitering in restrooms, obstructing a person from flushing and then collecting his prize, a law was written making such an act a felony.

When he was caught again, his lawyer managed to reduce the charges to criminal mischief.

I really have nothing else to way about that. I think it is weird enough on its own.

Copyright 2015 Darren Handschuh

Mystery of missing brains a real head scratcher

OK, this is just a little too strange to ignore.
The University of Texas in Austin has reported 100 brains have gone missing.
That's about half of the university's collection of brains that were preserved in jars of formaldehyde and used for a variety of studies.
This opens up a whole universe of questions from who took them to why did they take them?
Why would anyone want one brain in a jar let alone 100?
I know people like to collect things – I have several old tools mounted on the wall of my man cave – but I have never thought I needed a brain collection.
What would you do with them? Put them on the mantle? Perhaps on the coffee table as a conversation piece – a conversation that I hope would include the recommendation to interact with a mental health professional.
But wait, that is not all.
The university is home to some of the greatest minds alive today, and this is what one of those great minds had to say about it:
“We think somebody may have taken the brains, but we don't know at all for sure," psychology Professor Tim Schallert, co-curator of the collection said.
You think somebody may have taken the brains!
What do you mean, you think someone took the brains?
If no one took them, what the hell happened to them?
Did they some how come back to life and figure out how to get out on their own? If so, there are a lot of people in Ottawa who could use a method of bringing their brains to life.
Is this some weird horror movie coming to life: Night of the Bottled Brains, Attack of the Fermented Gray Matter, Charge of the Contained Craniums?
I am no detective, or even a high-IQ professor type, but even I can figure out someone took the brains and I have never even been to Texas.
His co-curator, psychology Professor Lawrence Cormack came to the same conclusion and suspected undergrad students may have liberated the brains from the facility for Halloween or other juvenile reasons.
Now that makes much more sense.
Of course, there is always the Frankenstein monster scenario where undergrads are regenerating their own creatures made of accumulated body parts and needed a brain to complete the set, but I highly doubt it.
More than likely it was a youthful adventure by high-IQ, low common sense students who did it for a gag.
The remaining 100 brains are being moved to a different location in the hopes they won't wander away like the others.


Copyright 2014 Darren Handschuh