Saturday, December 6, 2008

Brain full of useless info

By Darren Handschuh
I am not sure why, but for some reason I can remember the name of, and who starred in, dozens of movies.
Many of the movies I haven’t even seen, but I can tell you who was in it and what it was called.
All I have to do is watch a commercial for the movie and it is locked in my cranium like a brain tattoo.
The gray thing in my head catalogues the information for future use and is yet another skill I possess that is completely and utterly useless.
What are the odds of needing such an ability in real life?
“Quick, name three of the actors in The Breakfast Club and I will let all of the hostages go. And not their movie names, their real names.”
I can almost picture the police calling me for the answer knowing I hold the key to releasing the terrified hostages.
Or, they could just Google it and find out for themselves.
Of course, the odds of a crazed bank robber caring about a 1980s teen flick is doubtful, but should the emergency arise I am ready to respond.
My average-IQ brain also remembers a myriad of bizarre and worthless details that I can dredge up on a moments notice.
Again, what’s the point?
I can’t use the vault of knowledge I carry around on my shoulders to make money, influence people or help mankind.
I could go on Jeopardy and try to beat the record of that Jennings guy who won somewhere in the neighbourhood of a zillion dollars.
But with the pressure of being in TV and having millions of people watching me, I would probably choke and just stare at the camera and make animal noises every time Alex Trebek asked a question.
Alex: What is the capital of Equador?
Me: Mooooo.
Alex: What the hell are you doing? Somebody get this moron off my show.
The next thing I know I am flying out the back door of the Jeopardy studio. One of the last things I hear is Trebek ordering his gaggle of goons to lay a beat down on me because I sullied the brilliance of the show.
Having a brain brimming with worthless knowledge does come in handy when playing a rousing game of Trivial Pursuit, which, by the way, is my favourite board game.
I can’t remember what my wife wanted me to pick up on the way home from work, but I can remember a cockroach has its teeth in its stomach.
Now there’s a piece of information that will come in handy no matter the social setting.
“Congratulations on getting married, and by the way did you know the cockroach….”
Pointless information just seems to gravitate to my brain like a fat guy to a buffet table.
In school when I studied, OK maybe not so much in school, but in college when I studied I had to really concentrate to keep the needed information from leaking out of my brain and into the atmosphere where it did me no good.
But I hear a piece of useless information once and I remember it forever.
I fear the useless information has staged a coup in my brain and is forcing the useful information into tiny information refugee camps somewhere in the far reaches of my gray matter.
So if anyone is in need of useless information, just let me know. I am full of the stuff and I am looking for any excuse to let it out.

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