Friday, July 27, 2012

The dentist was right, it did hurt a little bit

It is never a good thing when someone says, “OK, this may hurt a little bit.”
Especially when it is a doctor who says that while he is breaking out the rubber gloves.
But in this instance it was a dentist who uttered the words of terror.
I had been to see the man to have a tooth removed. I was not using it anyway and all it was doing was sitting there so it was either hundreds of dollars and God knows how many hours in the Chair of Doom to have a root canal done, have posts installed, have a crown put on and then have it buffed, waxed and ready for the showroom floor.
Or, I could have it pulled. It was at the back of my mouth, no one would see I am missing the tooth and if I were to loose a couple more teeth I could officially become a redneck.
I admit to some dread at seeing the dentist, and by some I mean I want to run away and hide under my bed while weeping softly. I have long had a fear of dentists, but the older I get the less the fear there is.
Well, maybe not less fear, but the older I get the tougher I get.
Well, maybe not tougher, but the older I get the better I am at handling such situations. Yea, let’s go with that one.
Anyway my date with destiny had been written in my day planner for several weeks and was in the back of my mind like a black shadow lurking in the darkness ready to pounce like a pitbull on a blind kitten.
Every time I looked at that page I was reminded of my impending interaction with the tooth doctor. Don’t get me wrong, I have an excellent dentist and he makes things as painless as modern science will allow, but still those memories of my youth haunt my adulthood and any trip to the dentist office is met with trepidation.
Even taking my kids there stirs up some bad memories. The smell that every dentist office in North America has is the trigger. Kind of like Pavlov’s dog only I don’t drag my butt across the carpet.
I went to my doom, er, I mean dentist appointment to have the offending tooth banished from my mouth. I bravely climbed into the chair, putting on my best big boy face so as not give a clue of how I was feeling inside.
As they always do, the first thing the dentist did was take out one of those sharp, pointy devices that should be against the Geneva Convention and poked around for a few seconds.
Once the cursory examination was done he focussed on the tooth and injected the freezing stuff that makes half your face numb. As he approached me with the needle that was roughly three feet long, he said the words I knew were coming.
“This is going to sting a little.”
And sting it did, proving the good dentist right. The freezing soon took effect and the tooth was pulled in an astonishing four minutes. My total time in the Chair of Doom was less than 20 minutes – awesome.
A few days later the area where the tooth used to be began to hurt – a lot – so it was back to my see my good friend.
It would seem I had developed a thing called dry socket. This is where the blood clot that is supposed to cover and protect the nerve and bone fell out or was washed away or something causing a lot of pain.
The dentist took some goop and prepared to press it into the hole left by the now-absent tooth.
“OK, this may hurt a little.”
Bingo, those are the words I had been waiting for.
Fortunately he added, “But it should start to feel better in a matter of minutes.
He was right on both counts. Putting the horrible-tasting goop in the opening did hurt, but within 20 minutes it felt a lot better.
Thanks Mr. Dentist. I never doubted you for a second.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Murphy The Wonder Dog has a special skill

Most dogs are fairly easy to predict.
Normal dogs, as I call them, do normal dog things. Murphy the Wonder Dog is no ordinary hound.
No, he does not have any super powers, although he does have a high-pitched bark that can make your ears bleed, but other than that he is just a plain, ol’ little brown dog – with one exception.
When most people walk their dog they can expect the mutt to ‘do his businesses once and be done.
Most dogs anyway, but not Murphy the Wonder Dog. It is extremely rare to take Murph the Surf for a walk when he doesn’t ‘do his business’ several times.
His record is seven. Yup, that’s right. This tiny little brown dog made a stinky seven times on a 30-minute walk.
It is annoying and just plain ignorant when people do not clean up after their dog so I must do so after my own or I would be kind of a schmuck. That means every time Murphy, um, er, ‘drops the chalupa’ I have to pick it up.
I get as much exercise bending and scooping as I do from the walk itself.
My wife finds scooping the pooping rather disgusting (like I don’t), so we have an agreement: she will hold the leash and deal with the annoying little fur ball during the walk while it is my job is to clean up after the annoying little fur ball.
There are few things fouler than the aroma of a doggie doody.
Teenagers shoes after a hard day of skateboarding is not exactly a bouquet of loveliness and if you have enough of those in the same area odds are the haz-mat alarm will go off, but I still prefer that over the aromatic essence of the dog product.
Anyway, my wife and I made the arrangement when Murphy was little and I did not know just how much time I would spend getting up close and person with recycled dog food. I thought I had the better end of the deal, but time has proved me wrong.
Before the pooches’ prolific pooping prowess was known, I admit to being caught empty handed when multiple trophies dropped.
The worst situation was during a camping trip. I was walking the dog solo as the Missus and kids were puttering around the campsite.
I carried the standard one bag as I did not yet realize the juggernaut of droppings the poop machine was able to produce.
After pulling me half way around the campground, Murphy finally found the perfect spot to ‘do his business.’ No problem, I whipped out the bag, did my scooping, deposited the processed dog food in an approved trash container and continued on my merry way.
About 10 minutes later, Murphy the Machine once again assumed the position and I watched in horror as another deposit was made – and it was bigger than the first one.
“How is that possible?” I asked in disbelief. “That weighs more than you do.”
My mind began to race: I couldn’t just leave it there; someone could get their car stuck in it. As panic began to take over my mind raced to find a solution. I was too far from our campsite to run over and get another bag.
I looked around and noticed there were several large leaves lying about: Mother Nature to the rescue. I collected a few (dozen) leaves and with the precision of a brain surgeon I carefully scooped up the matter as best I could lest I should get some on me and have to amputate my hand.
I carefully balanced the product in the leaves and once again found an appropriate trash receptacle.
I breathed a sigh of relief and felt a sense of pride coming over me for my ingenuity and determination not to leave a pile lying about.
However, out of the corner of my eye I saw Murphy once again begin to ‘assume the position.’
I pulled his leash and we ran back to the campsite as fast as we could where there were bags aplenty.

Friday, July 13, 2012

These bad guys are making it too easy

Wowzers, talk about sea weed.
The U.S. navy gathered up 19,000 pounds of pot that was dumped by three boats off the coast of California.
An American aircraft carrier was on exercise when an alert sailor spotted two boats in the distance. A helicopter was sent to check it out and when it was spotted, people on the boat started tossing black bags into the water.
The navy sent a smaller boat to the area and discovered more marijuana than a Woodstock reunion.
A little while later a third boat was seen dumping even more pot into the ocean. The navy collected 186 bails of the popular product.
They thought they saw more bails, but were unable to find them.
Crew members picking up the pot also reported seeing some of the most laid back, mellow dolphins they have ever come across.
Here’s some disturbing news: it would seem the hamburgers used in McDonalds commercials are not taken directly from the assembly line.
I was shocked as well.
According to an industry insider, the assembly line burgers are slapped together in less than a minute while the ones used in the commercials take hours to make and are then computer enhanced to perfect every minor detail down to the placement of the poppy seeds on the bun.
I can’t believe it. Using a computer-enhanced image to try and sell something to the unsuspecting public is just plain wrong.
I hope the fashion industry does not hear about this or the next thing we know all of those perfect-looking models will be even more perfect after being digitally enhanced.
That could cause self esteem problems for millions of women who want to look like a model but cannot possibly live up to the computer-enhanced versions.
Speaking of McDonalds, a lady was arrested and charged with DUI for falling asleep at the wheel in a Micky Dees drive through.
It was a pretty straight forward case: she ordered a fillet of fish and then passed out. Cops showed up and arrested her.
The woman said she had been drinking, but argued that was the only way she was able to eat anything from McDonalds.
I don’t agree with drunk driving, but I can see her point when it comes to eating at McDonalds.
I read on the Internet, scientists estimate that at any given point a person is no more than three feet away from a spider.
This study proves a couple things. First there are way too many spiders in the world. Second, it proves there are some scientists with way to much time on their hands.
I am not sure how extensive the study was, but if it was in the Interweb then it has to be true. Just like when the government says they won’t bring in the HST and…oh, forget it.
These other guys are not exactly criminal masterminds.
Bad guy No. 1 actually worked for a U.S. sheriff’s department in a clerical role. One night this whiz kid decided to break into the office and ‘liberate’ some of the money from parking fines that was stored in a desk.
He snuck in through a window, jimmied a lock on a desk, took the money and ran. Only he forgot about the surveillance camera.
Easiest arrest the department has ever made, all they had to do was wait for him to show up for work.
I wonder if these guys are related. In a different case a man was in an interrogation room being questioned about a burglary when the officer stepped out for a minute.
The cranial-challenged individual proceeded to take the clock down off the wall and stuff it in his backpack before the officer came back.
As soon at the officer returned he noticed the clock was missing and the two other officers watching the interrogation through the one-way mirror managed to stop laughing long enough to make the bust.
Some people bring stupid to a whole new level.