Friday, March 12, 2010

The big ass colon adventure

Perhaps there are some things you should not be able to simply walk in to.
The colon is the first thing that comes to mind.
Sorry for that visual, but there is an exhibit in Toronto featuring a huge walk-in colon (I am not kidding). The stroll-a-colon is part of a campaign for prostate cancer awareness, which is something I wholeheartedly support, but I am just a little shy on the whole whale-sized colon thing.
It is an attention-grabbing gimmick no doubt, but it is also kinda weird.
Haven't these people heard of information kiosks, or display boards or anything but a massive colon large enough for people to wander around while chatting about the latest in colon-related activities.
“Hey Phil have you gone in to have you prostate checked.”“Not yet, I am looking around for a doctor with really small hands.”
The display is called the Giant Colon Exhibit.
I will give them an A for imagination when it comes to the actual display as it does certainly catch your eye – I mean where else have you heard of a colon the size of a city bus?
However, I do have to give them a C-minus when it comes to naming said exhibit.
Not the most creative name I have ever heard, mind you it is also the first time I have ever heard of a gigantic colon being the centre of attention.
Perhaps a catch phrase or something could liven things up a bit.
“Come for the colon, stay for the pizza.”
“We will leave no place untouched in the battle against colon cancer – literally. No, really, we mean it.” That one may not be catchy, but it's true.
Maybe organizers could hand out those little travel-size bottles of Preparation H to each entrant.
Souveniers of the event would be another matter. I am not sure how the T-shirt sales would go over.
“My parents walked into giant colon and all I got was this lousy T-shirt” might work, but who would want to wear it?
I have not been able to confirm this yet, but I heard from a reliable source there is a giant finger on wheels in the next room.
The organizers are trying to keep that part a secret because of the big finale which I refuse to go into more details about.
I do not know how enthusiastically I would walk into a giant colon, but I have strolled through a giant nostril.
It was at a science centre where the display was on bodily parts and fluids. While there were no colons or associated body bits, there was a huge nose you could walk in to see all the things there is to see in a nose.
It is a rather odd to feel like a giant booger, but when in nose...
Kids in particular enjoyed walking around the big nostril and the booger jokes were flying faster than kickbacks during the Mulroney administration.
The nose thing was not only quite interesting, but hearing someone say, “Eeeewww, grrrooosssss” every 10 seconds was worth the price of admission on its own.
Oddly, it was mostly girls who were grossed out by the nasal expedition. Apparently, a nasal cavity large enough to hide a '72 Buick in is not enough to gross out pre-teen boys.
Along with the thrill of walking through a nasal passage that would make the Jolly Green Giant's honker look petite, were all sorts of details about the nose, such as how my snot the average nose generates over a typical life time.
I do not remember the exact amount, but I have a rough idea because after having three kids I have had to clean up several gallons of the goo, so over a lifetime the numbers must be astronomical.
All we need now is for some scientific braniac to figure out how to run a car on snot and the world's energy problems would be solved.
People would be lining up to purchase the Booger-mobile, and if you have a cold – bonus – free gas for a week to 10 days.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Who's clucking idea was this

It's either an interesting idea or a clucking stupid plan.A while back, the fearless leaders of Vernon and Kelowna requested staff look into a backyard chicken bylaw.I recently spoke to intrepid city council reporter Ron Seymour, who said not much is hatching when it comes to the fowl bylaw, but the fact that there was even a need to look into it in the first place seemed rather odd.I did not know the Okanagan urban chicken population was so large it needed a bylaw, but they are working on one so the situation must be fowl indeed.The bylaw would allow people living within city limits to have chickens in their backyard on a permanent basis without breaking the rules.Apparently, some people already have the feathered friends fluttering around freely on their city-encased range, so instead of telling them they were not allowed, the city is looking into making it legal.If it goes through, any Farmer Brown wannabe can have a few birds without running afoul of the law (pun intended).My grandparents used to have several chickens on the little rural farm they retired to. They also had two roosters. One was a regular ol' rooster who spent his time doing rooster things, but the other was the meanest, nastiest piece of feathered terror God has ever put on this earth.Even the eagles would not mess with this mean little clucker.The stupid beast would attack pretty much anyone, or anything, that went into the chicken coop. Grandma used to carry a broom when she went in to collect the eggs to keep the critter at bay. They put up with the antics of the reddish rooster until it attacked one of their grandchildren - me. I was about five years old and when I went into the coop, the danged monster attacked me and laid a pecking on me I remember to this day.That was enough for grandpa, he was done with the dumb cluck. Let's just say we had chicken for supper that night.In your face bird brain.That left one rooster and he did his best to maintain the rooster code of making as much noise as possible very early in the morning.The sun would be rising into the heavens, small birds would be chirping and all of a sudden there was this horrid sound, kind of like a schizophrenic bagpipe player. And Foghorn Leghorn of the family homestead did not just crow once, noooo, that would be too easy.This feathered freak would make noise until even the dead were showing up, asking the stupid bird be shut up.So what happens if the urban Okanagan farmer gets a rooster so he can have more little chickens to sell to other urban farmers and the rooster does what a rooster does and keeps half the 'hood awake?I have never seen a chicken murder on CSI, but I guess there is a first time for everything.If there is such a thing as rooster rage I am sure it will happen.Mind you, accidents happen and as tragic as it would be, roosters have been known to trip and fall on axes in the past. Hey, I'm just saying stuff happens.And what happens if people get tired of the birds and just let them loose. The next thing you know there are thousands of chickens setting up house all over the place.Remember the bunny brouhaha that embroiled the city for so long?The bunny huggers will have to become hen huggers and lobby to save the birds by sending them to a farm or something where they can live out their lives in the setting they were meant to be in.Or, the city collect the wayward cluckers themselves and have one helluva barbecue.It will be interesting to see what, if anything, becomes of the bylaw.