And
by better, I mean I wish I had even the slightest idea of how to
market things.
The
Missus and myself have come up with some awesome inventions over the
years, but we have no clue what to do with the idea after it forms in
our collective craniums.
Many
years ago, we came up with the idea for the “air bra.”
The
concept was simple: you place a tiny hand pump in a specially
designed bra and should the need arise to em, er, enhance things a
little, well problem solved.
All
the wearer has to do is squeeze the pump a few times and voila. No
medical procedures are needed, the changes would be immediate and if
you put in too much air and things are growing a little too much,
just release some of the pressure and things go back to normal.
Of
course the trick would be to make sure both sides inflate evenly for
obvious reasons.
Dumb
idea you say? Probably, but several years after we came up with the
idea, we saw an ad by a major clothing company for – that's right –
an air bra.
You
don't hear much about them nowadays so they must not have taken off,
but it was still an idea good enough for a major corporation to give
it a shot.
A
friend of mine suggested we make air underwear for men, so they could
um, er, enhance a certain area of their physicality.
“Hey,
if women can do it, why can't men?” was his argument.
I
think I will leave that marketing campaign to someone else actually.
A
few years after the bra inflator idea, we were driving down the road
with our two dogs in the backseat when another idea came upon us:
doggie seatbelts.
Our
mutts would bounce around back there - jumping from window to window
- and if I had to hit the brakes really hard they would always slam
into the back of our seats.
Once,
the littlest dog actually made it all the way to the front seat.
And
that is where the doggie seatbelt idea was born.
We
had it all figured out. It would be like a harness that snapped into
the regular seatbelt clip. No more risk of Fido becoming a projectile
in the event of hard breaking or a collision.
We
talked about it for a while, but due to our complete and total lack
of salesmanship or marketing abilities, the idea faded.
Until
a few years later when we saw an ad for, that's right, a doggie
seatbelt.
The
design was similar to ours and we were wondering if perhaps we were
being spied upon.
While
the air bra was kind of a silly concept, doggie seatbelts are a great
idea and had we been smart enough to market them, there is a chance I
would be writing this column from my yacht in the Bahamas.
It
would be a small yacht, but a yacht none the less.
But alas, I have no marketing or sales
skills.
I do have all sorts of ideas that are
sure to make a small fortune should they ever make it to mainstream
society.
If the Pet Rock – which was
absolutely brilliant by the way – can make its inventor rich, then
there has to be other silliness out there that can do the same for
yours truly.
I just don't know what they are yet,
and when I do know it still won't help because I won't know how to
market them.
OK, I will admit, there are a few holes
in my get-rich plan, but at least I have a plan.
Anybody looking for an ideas man with
no marketing skills?
Copyright 2015, Darren Handschuh