Friday, March 12, 2010

The big ass colon adventure

Perhaps there are some things you should not be able to simply walk in to.
The colon is the first thing that comes to mind.
Sorry for that visual, but there is an exhibit in Toronto featuring a huge walk-in colon (I am not kidding). The stroll-a-colon is part of a campaign for prostate cancer awareness, which is something I wholeheartedly support, but I am just a little shy on the whole whale-sized colon thing.
It is an attention-grabbing gimmick no doubt, but it is also kinda weird.
Haven't these people heard of information kiosks, or display boards or anything but a massive colon large enough for people to wander around while chatting about the latest in colon-related activities.
“Hey Phil have you gone in to have you prostate checked.”“Not yet, I am looking around for a doctor with really small hands.”
The display is called the Giant Colon Exhibit.
I will give them an A for imagination when it comes to the actual display as it does certainly catch your eye – I mean where else have you heard of a colon the size of a city bus?
However, I do have to give them a C-minus when it comes to naming said exhibit.
Not the most creative name I have ever heard, mind you it is also the first time I have ever heard of a gigantic colon being the centre of attention.
Perhaps a catch phrase or something could liven things up a bit.
“Come for the colon, stay for the pizza.”
“We will leave no place untouched in the battle against colon cancer – literally. No, really, we mean it.” That one may not be catchy, but it's true.
Maybe organizers could hand out those little travel-size bottles of Preparation H to each entrant.
Souveniers of the event would be another matter. I am not sure how the T-shirt sales would go over.
“My parents walked into giant colon and all I got was this lousy T-shirt” might work, but who would want to wear it?
I have not been able to confirm this yet, but I heard from a reliable source there is a giant finger on wheels in the next room.
The organizers are trying to keep that part a secret because of the big finale which I refuse to go into more details about.
I do not know how enthusiastically I would walk into a giant colon, but I have strolled through a giant nostril.
It was at a science centre where the display was on bodily parts and fluids. While there were no colons or associated body bits, there was a huge nose you could walk in to see all the things there is to see in a nose.
It is a rather odd to feel like a giant booger, but when in nose...
Kids in particular enjoyed walking around the big nostril and the booger jokes were flying faster than kickbacks during the Mulroney administration.
The nose thing was not only quite interesting, but hearing someone say, “Eeeewww, grrrooosssss” every 10 seconds was worth the price of admission on its own.
Oddly, it was mostly girls who were grossed out by the nasal expedition. Apparently, a nasal cavity large enough to hide a '72 Buick in is not enough to gross out pre-teen boys.
Along with the thrill of walking through a nasal passage that would make the Jolly Green Giant's honker look petite, were all sorts of details about the nose, such as how my snot the average nose generates over a typical life time.
I do not remember the exact amount, but I have a rough idea because after having three kids I have had to clean up several gallons of the goo, so over a lifetime the numbers must be astronomical.
All we need now is for some scientific braniac to figure out how to run a car on snot and the world's energy problems would be solved.
People would be lining up to purchase the Booger-mobile, and if you have a cold – bonus – free gas for a week to 10 days.

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