Friday, June 17, 2011

Keeping it cool

I have no scientific data to back this up, but I suspect we are about to endure one of the coldest summers in the history of summers.
Why do I think the next ice age will choose 2011 to make an appearance?
Simple, this spring we installed an air conditioner and that means temperatures will likely remain around those normally reserved for the wilds of the Arctic Circle.
Global warming will be reversed. Polar bears will be seen floating in area lakes and glaciers will be advancing faster than lines at a government office.
All of this because we finally dug out the cheque book and bought some a/c.
This is the first time my wife and I have lived in an air-conditioned abode and taking the leap – and spending the money – was a long time coming.
Every year it was the same old story: fall would give way to winter, winter to spring, spring to summer and summer to the sweltering days of melting in your shoes.
But before the sun does its version of the Dr. Doom death ray from hell, we are given spring and the early part of summer - the perfect time of year.
The temperature is starting to climb from the chill of winter, trees and flowers are in bloom, the birds are chirping and pasty white people head outdoors to re-acquaint themselves with that big orange thing in the sky.
But like a politician trying to get elected, the sun is merely teasing the little people – giving them what they want. Sure it’s all nice and warm at first, but then it turns mean and eventually it is can be downright nasty.
That’s when Mother Nature starts showing off and raises the mercury to just slightly less than the surface of a space shuttle at is re-enters earth’s atmosphere, meaning all of those poor slobs without air conditioning are sweating more than Elvis after a concert, and from what I have seen from those grainy old films, that is a lot of sweat.
At the peak of each annual heat wave, I would swear next year we are getting air conditioning, even if I have to sell my mother-in-law to do it.
There is never – and I mean ever – a need for it to get hotter than C 30 degrees outside. But for a few weeks every summer we would be lucky if it cooled down to that at night.
I am talking about a stupid kind of hot where I could fry an egg on my somewhat balding cranium – not that I’ve tried. Well, not yet anyway.
To most, the sound of an a/c unit is a mechanical hum, but to me, it is akin to angels singing a cooling song of joy and happiness upon my home.
Getting an a/c unit was not cheap, but the thought of sitting in my livingroom and sweating to the point where I look like Frosty the Snowman after he was locked in that greenhouse over ruled the expense.
Money be damned, I need coolness this year, especially at night when all you can do is lie on top of the sheets in a Speedo (sorry for the visual) with a fan going full blast.
Of course, this year the region has been enduring a colder-than-usual spring and according to the weather guys, the cool temperatures will likely stick around for a while.
Is climate change to blame for the cold-wave? Nope, I got an a/c unit so that means I won’t really need one this year.
God is a funny, funny guy.
But should summer ever decide to show up in all of its heated fury, I am prepared, so if anyone out there wants to buy a mother-in-law...

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