Sunday, May 20, 2012

Why worry about these warts

They are associated with frogs, witches, evil step-moms and occasionally a humour columnist.
I am talking about warts.
Just saying the word ‘wart’ is kind of icky and conjures up unpleasant images.
I have such a growth on my left hand, and even though it is small I still feel like I have a Quasimodo kind of thing going on.
Nobody likes warts, they are like the hemorrhoids of the hand, and nobody wants to talk about hemorrhoids. So fear not good reader, I will not be talking about them now.
Today, the subject of discussion is warts and all the deformed glory they bring to the bearer of such skin formations.
According to some official looking website, warts are ‘small, usually painless growths on the skin caused by a virus called human papillomavirus (HPV).’ It also says warts are basically harmless, ugly, but harmless.
The website explains various types of warts can be found on any part of the body – and they do mean any part.
Fortunately mine is on my hand and not other, more sensitive areas. Common warts are not spread from person to person, so if you want a wart you will have to grow your own.
The website goes into detail on how to tell if you have a wart – something I figured out without the need for expert medical advice. It also tells you how to rid yourself of said wart.
Wart owners are advised not to remove the wart by burning, cutting, picking or digging the wart out of your skin.
Well no duh. Sure glad a group of medical experts came up with that solid bit of advice. I was about to get out my Buck knife and a blowtorch to remove that sucker.
But, after reading their stellar advice I think I will take a less painful approach to removing the growth. Call me a wimp, but I generally prefer to take the less painful approach to just about everything.
Instead of sharpened steel and open flame, I opted for the tried and true method of Compound W to rid myself of the gross growth.
Before you treat a wart it is just a small, skin-coloured lump that, in all likelihood, no one would even notice – until you put Compound W on it.
Once you apply that goop, your wart is covered in a bright white coating that screams to the world, “Look, I have a big, hideous wart on my hand. You can now easily see it because I just painted it white.”
With all the accomplishments of modern man, you would think they could come up with a wart-removal compound that does not make it so obvious you are trying to remove a wart.
The stuff is clear when it comes out of the little tube, but give it a few minutes on your skin and wham-o, it turns bright white.
I am kind of pasty white at the best of times, but this stuff is like whitewash on a blackboard. There is no way you are going to hide you have a deformity growing out of your hand.
And of course the wart has to grow out of the back of your hand where it is near impossible to hide. I could put a bandage over the thing I guess, but the problem is the wart is on a knuckle where the bandage won’t stick very well, so I get to walk around with this big, white splotch on his hand that I can see out of the corner of my eye every waking moment.
And warts do not go away over night. Noooo, that would be too easy.
Nope, a wart has to be covered in the white goop for days, even weeks sometimes.
So, for who knows how long, the wart-infested person (that would be me) gets to walk around with a neon-white knuckle, repulsing young children, old people and everyone in between.

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