Saturday, October 13, 2012

Invention can be a real mother...

Many people may not know this, but I am a bit of an inventor.
I have not solved the riddle of cold fusion, or developed a machine to tell what women are really feeling (cold fusion is easier), but I have had a few ideas rattle around my cranium.
Along with The Missus, we have come up with some brilliant and ground-breaking ideas that were sure to change the world and make us so rich we can vacation with Bill Gates.
Well, maybe not that rich, but rich enough that our annual family vacation can be spent in an actual exotic location, instead of a camper in my inlaw’s driveway.
The first idea we came up with was sure to be a hit with dog lovers.
The idea struck us like a bolt of lightning while watching our hounds jump around the back seat of our car like a couple of hyper, yapping bouncy balls.
The dogs would jump from side window to side window just to see what was there and to make sure they barked an adequate amount before the subject of their attention was gone.
Having two dogs barking in the backseat of a compact is like sticking your head in a steel drum and hitting it with a stick – only more annoying. We could tell them to be quiet, but the jumping around back there was a little harder to control.
So it was in that moment of inspiration the doggy seat belt was born.
The idea was to use the existing seatbelt and a custom-made webbing that would keep the mutts secure and stop them from bouncing all over the place.
In the event of an accident, it would also keep the hounds from becoming canine projectiles. We talked about the idea at length and could see dollar signs floating in front of us.
So why didn’t we patent and develop the dog-belt system that was sure to attract animal lovers from around the world?
Someone beat us to it and had already developed the doggy seatbelt. I am not sure how, but I suspect they had spies watching us and had our home wired with audio and video so they could steal our idea.
Just because you are paranoid, does not mean they are not watching you.
Our second get-rich invention was for the ladies.
No it was not a spray that would make husbands want to do housework, which is too bad because that would have sold like crazy.
We called it ‘The Air Bra’ and it involved a bra that could be expanded by pumping air into it.
I know, brilliant isn’t it?
It could have changed the face of the world, or some other parts anyway, and now that I think about it, it might have helped in the housework department as well.
“Hubby, would you please vacuum for me?”
“Not now, I am busy watching the game.”
Pump. Pump. Pump.
“How about now, big boy?”
“You betcha honey. Anything for you.”
The Air Bra would have a little pump in it similar to those found in certain over-priced sports shoes that would allow the wearer to expand their um, er, ah, attributes to whatever size they felt necessary.
Of course a limit would have to be put on the device to prevent men from hooking up an air compressor and taking things to a whole new level.
But once again those spies learned of our idea and beat us to the punch. A couple years after we had the idea, a company started making and marketing bras with the exact same idea.
I guess we didn’t keep our secret from Victoria.
Currently I am working on yet another invention, but this one is geared more toward men.
I am trying to come up with a contraption that, when applied properly, will nullify the sounds of the incessant chatter of mother in laws.
So far the only idea I have come up with is a well-placed blow with a croquet mallet, but that is temporary and somewhat illegal.
Gentlemen, I will keep you informed of my progress.
Darren Handschuh can be reached at For more of his ramblings, check out his blog at

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