Saturday, August 1, 2015

I'll never win a 'discussion' with my wife

Trying to outrun a dog is like trying to win an argue with your wife: there is no point because it is not going to happen.
The dog will always outrun the human, and a wife will always out argue her husband.
Now there may be some men out there who are guffawing at my conclusion, but deep down they know I am are right.
I am speaking from experience on both scenarios.
No, I have never tried to outrun a police dog or anything, but even a mangy mongrel can outrun a human without even trying.
Even if the dog is really fat, or weight enhanced I guess is the politically correct term, they can still run pretty quick, albeit for a much shorter distance than a fit dog, which is the same in the human world.
A fit person can certainly run far and maybe even fast, but not fast or far enough to outpace a hound.
Chubby, er, I mean weight-enhanced people, can't run very far or very fast because they are simply not equipped with the physical ability to run.
When it comest to having a 'discussion' with my wife, I am not properly equipped for the task either.
My wife is much better at 'discussing' things than I am.
My theory is, it is because the lady members of the planet are much more in tune with their emotions, they tend to talk more – which has been scientifically proven – so they have a much greater vocabulary and they are simply better at putting those words into intelligent sentences that make man's feeble attempt at arguing, well, feeble.
I witnessed a couple having a 'discussion' not too long ago.
I was not eavesdropping – OK maybe I was a little, but that was only because if seemed like the man was actually winning a 'discussion' with his wife.
They were not yelling or anything, but they were exchanging opinions on a situation in their relationship and, darn it, if the guy was did not seem to be winning.
He was making some good points and you could see he actually had the upper hand.
I felt chanting “Go, bro go. Go, bro go” because I was witnessing something more rare than an honest politician – a husband winning an argument, er, discussion.
The man's wife was obviously on the defensive, but then things changed.
She must have kicked it into high gear or something because there was a definite shift in momentum.
It's like in a hockey game where one team is dominating, but then the other team finds that burst of energy, that deep-down desire to win.
As the second ticked by, the woman was definitely gaining speed.
“Hang in there bro. You can do it, think, man, think. There must be something left in your mental arsenal you can use to battle back with.”
There wasn't.
As her onslaught of verbal prowess grew, the man began to grasp for answers, for any comeback he could come up with, but to no avail.
By the time they were done their meal, the man was clearly defeated in the battle of the sexes.
They did not seem hostile towards each other, or seething with venomous anger, but at the end of the day it was wife one, hubby zero.
Thus continued the circle of life, the way things are, the way they have always been and the way they will always be.

So if you ever see me running down the street with a dog chasing me, don't worry I am just trying to avoid a 'discussion' with my wife.

Copyright 2015, Darren Handschuh

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