Saturday, October 24, 2015

Think before you answer. Trust me on this one

Gentlemen, here is a piece of advice from a married man: think before you answer. Think long, think hard.
The question, "Does this make me look fat?" is always, without exception, answered with "No, of course not" which is the correct (and life-saving) answer.
Do not ever - even jokingly - answer, “The jeans don't make you look fat, but your ass sure does."
No matter how many blankets and pillows you have, the couch is just not a comfortable place to sleep.
But my wife does not ask that question very often, and when she does, she knows the answer she will get.
The correct way to answer that question is universally known and it is likely the only time a pastor would tell a 'little white lie' rather than risk getting a 'little black eye.'
There are other answers that are not so easy to provide.
For example, my wife has asked me if something were to happen to her, would I remarry.
The first time she asked this question I answered, "Depends, are there going to be any hot chicks at the funeral."
Sometimes having a sense of humour can be hazardous to your health.
After calming the situation - and dodging several items thrown at me with the velocity of a major league pitcher - I decided on a different tact.
"Of course not, Sweety, you are the only woman for me - forever."
"Good because, if you do remarry I will come back and haunt you."
Actually, the little woman insisted I find another Mrs. H - after an appropriate time of mourning of course, like 30 or 40 years.
When I asked her the same question, a slight smile came across her face and her eyes glazed over as if she was envisioning a wonderland in some distant Nirvana.
"Um, er, ah, of course not, Sweety, you are the only man for me - forever."
Let's move on, shall we.
Another common question, "What are you thinking?"
Well, based on the last set of questions and answers I am thinking it might not be a good idea to have such a large life-insurance policy. It is not easy to sleep with one eye open.
My wife has said she would never divorce me, but hey, accidents happen and people strangle themselves in their sleep all the time.
"I don't know what happened, officer. I woke up and he had somehow smothered himself with his own pillow. It is strange for sure. Say, I noticed you are not wearing a wedding ring..."
I kid of course, I have been married for 27 years and they have been the best 22 years of my life.
But here's a little tip for all you ladies out there, if you ask the 'thinking' question and your significant other says “nothing,” he means it.
It is actually possible for men to think about nothing. This has been scientifically proven. Why do you think NASCAR is so popular?
A man can sit and watch and think of nothing for hours on end, while still taking in a sporting event.
The real danger comes when the little woman wants her man to tell her how he is feeling.
Gentlemen, we're are in some tricky territory here.
I have learned it is important to tell her how you are feeling, but it is even more important to make sure how you are feeling is how she wants you to feel.
This is a vital skill every man should learn - trust me on this one.

I hope these little tips will help the male brethren out there, now if you will excuse me, I have a lot of nothing to think about.

Copyright 2015, Darren Handschuh

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