I am proud to say I went toe-to-toe
with evil itself and I did not flinch, I did not waiver, I did not
scream like a small school girl and run out of the room.
Instead, I steeled my nerves, summoned
courage from deep within my soul and slayed the beast that was
threatening me.
Yes folks, it's true: I killed a spider
like a man.
I was in the kitchen when out of the
corner of my eye I saw it.
A grey figure scampering across the
countertop. For a brief instant I froze as my mind reeled at the
creature before me.
What kind of horror is this? What kind
of spawn from hell itself was invading my home?
As I turned to face my nemesis, it
stopped and looked at me tauntingly with its beady little eyes, fangs
of doom and eight legs of terror.
It was mocking me, daring me to
challenge its existence. At that moment time stood still and I knew
it was either him, or me.
Suddenly, he started to move and I had
to act fast.
I did not have time to grab paper towel
in which to encase and smash him. Nor was there a flame thrower,
incendiary device or weapons-grade plutonium handy, so I charged
forward with the ferocity of a wild beast.
Unleashing my inner cave man, I
attacked with unbridled rage and with a bare hand smashed the
creature from hell with a single mighty blow, claiming a staggering
victory for arachnophobes everywhere.
However, having a smashed spider on my
hand really creeped me out so I ran, I mean, casually strolled to the
washroom where I rinsed his guts from my skin – a lot.
It is a day that shall go down in
infamy. The day I faced my worst fear and won.
Some people might say it was a shallow
victory because the spider was just slightly smaller than the flat
part of a thumb tack, but hey, it was still a spider and I still
killed it with my bare hands so I am counting that as a victory.
It's not that I hate spiders...OK, well
actually I do, I do hate spiders.
I hate pretty much all spiders and now
is the time of year when they make a reappearance after several
serene winter months without them.
I know I will have many encounters of
the icky kind before the cold weather returns and I am not looking
forward to any of them.
“Spiders are more afraid of you, than
you are of them.”
No they're not.
I doubt a spider ever peed a little
while running out of the room because a huge Darren fell on him from
the ceiling.
“Spiders are harmless.”
I don't care.
And for the record, not all spiders are
harmless. The black widow is a nasty piece of work and can harm you.
There are black widows in the area, so
some local arachnids are dangerous.
And with international shipping and
travel, how do we know the spider I am gently trying to save is not
a deadly species accidentally introduced to the region and by
catching and releasing it I am actually dooming the area to a
spider-filled nightmare.
That innocent little spider I just
squashed could have been a baby Goliath tarantula that will grow into
a monster with fangs the size of a chihuahua's tail.
Think of the children.
It is a chance I simply refuse to take,
so whenever I see a spider of any size, shape and colour I will slay
it.
You are welcome.
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