One of the things I always find amusing about summer is the Lobster People.
No, these are not people with weird deformities that causes them to resemble a delicious and expensive sea crustacean.
These are the people who are vacationing in our sunny climes and are as red as a stop sign from too much outdoor merriment.
It helps make tourists easy to spot as they look like tomatoes with legs.
Locals have either already gained a bit of a tan, or they know enough to lather themselves in SPF 4,000 before going out.
But many of our tourists come from a flat part of the country (I'm not mentioning any specific areas here) where summer is typically a couple weeks in late July so getting out and enjoying that great big ball in the sky is too much to resist.
So they doff their work boots, jeans and hardhat in exchange for a bathing suit and a floatie, and splash around local lakes as the sun slowly and subtly cooks them.
It is not until the next day they realize the folly of their actions. Then they grab all the after burn ointment they can find and cover every bit of bright-red skin they can reach.
I don't even want to think about what happens to nudists.
They are exposing parts of their bodies to the sun that typically don't interact with that big ball of brightness.
I have never been to a nude beach, and the world is a better place because of it.
I could see myself ditching my swim suit to splash around eu natural, only to cause the other beach goers instant blindness and nausea so bad not even a six-pack of Pepto would be able to help.
It would cause a mass exodus from the beach as if a land shark was gobbling up people like a fat guy at a Vegas buffet.
In other words, me running around the beach naked would be a bad thing.
I would also like to take a moment to apologize for any mental images I may have generated with the previous paragraphs.
Don't worry, with the proper amount of therapy and deep hypnosis the image will fade.
Having spent my entire life living in the region, I have made a peace agreement with the sun: I will not run around with hardly any clothes on (again, you are welcome) and Mrs. Sun has agreed not to roast me like a pig at a luau.
Besides, even when I was young and in good shape and could run around without a shirt, I didn't because I don't tan so much as turn into a walking, talking mass of human bacon.
I have two colours: pasty white and lobster red. There is not much middle ground.
And, it would seem many of our foreign guests have the same problem.
They are ghostly white when they show up, and devil red when they leave.
But I suspect it may be a little harder to distinguish tourist from locals this year. We had a spring so wet even Noah was complaining about the rain, and that meant the local sun lovers had minimal exposure to the big bright ball in the sky.
And that means they will be pastier than usual when the big bright thing in the sky finally gets to shine – literally.
But at least the locals – well, many of them anyway – know when to get out of the sun.
So sit back, relax and watch the tourists turn red. It's always good for a laugh.
Copyright 2017, Darren Handschuh