Wacky Olympics sports are, well, wacky

So the International Olympic Committee has recognized Frisbee as an official Olympic event.
Why not?
It's a popular pastime with many people and I personally know a few aging hippies who do not go anywhere without a Frisbee.
Kind of makes you wonder what the drug tests will find.
Doctor: “Hmmm, it seems you have multiple recreational drugs in your system, but no performance-enhancing drugs.”
Aging hippie Olympian: “What, man. Hey, are you going to eat that doughnut.”
All kidding aside, there some very amazing Frisbee players out there. By the way, Frisbee is the name of the company that invented the flying disc, but it has become synonymous with the activity so people just call it frisbee. Like Bandaid, a brand name, but so common people call anything that covers a wound a bandaid.
But I'm sure you already knew all that so I will move on.
Anyway, there are some incredible flying disc players out there and I spent many an hour in my youth throwing a small, round piece of plastic back and forth with my friends.
No comment on what else we were doing at the time.
Beer is not a performance-enhancing drug anyway so it's all good.
Frisbee can join a variety of interesting Olympic events that have come and gone over the years, such as solo synchronized swimming.
Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't that just be called swimming, or fancy swimming, or dance swimming or whatever. How can it be synchronized if you are by yourself?
The solo synchro event lasted only a couple of Olympics. Gee, I wonder why.
The 1908 Olympics featured tug-o-war as an official event. That was also the year they had the dreaded Red Rover, Red Rover Come on Over competition and the gruelling egg toss.
In the 1900s, live pigeon shooting was actually an Olympic event. It only lasted a single Olympics (for good reason) and 300 live pigeons were blasted with shotguns.
I am not sure who won the gold in that event, but I heard is last name was Palmer and his great grandson went on to be a dentist.
Probably not true, but it would make sense.
The 1900 Olympics were an odd year with some very odd sports. Along with massacring pigeons, athletes competed in the underwater swimming competition. The rules were simple: points were awarded for the longest distance and the most time spent under water.
Not a great spectator sport and it was dropped after just one outing. Motorboating was held in 1908 where 'athletes' simply drove their motorized boats around a course. The fastest boat won, simple as that.
I am not sure how much athletic prowess it takes to sit in a boat and drive around in circles, but based on the many rednecks I have seen doing the same thing on mountain lakes, the hardest part would be not spilling your beer in the corners.
Rope climbing was dropped from the official Olympic line up in 1932. But according to a news feature I just read, professional rope climbers are keeping the sport alive.
First of all, I did not even know there was such a thing as professional rope climbers. How does someone become a professional rope climber in the first place?
Can't skate? Can't dribble a ball? Too clumsy for soccer? Perhaps rope climbing is your call in life.

So why not add flying disc throwing to the Olympics? It is something a lot of people can do or have done in the past, it is visual and it will give all those old hippies something to do.

Copyright 2015, Darren Handschuh

Are you ready for the Average Joe Olympics?

There should be an Average Joe (or Josephine) Olympics filled with events that happen on a regular basis.
Just the other day I was in training for the Oh-darn-here-comes-the-garbage-truck sprint.
This is where you are sipping on your morning cup of java, reading the paper and getting ready for another exciting day at work when you hear the garbage truck come around the corner half a block from your house - 30 minutes earlier than usual.
This kick-starts a sequence of events: first you mutter a few (unprintable) words under your breath as you put down the coffee and scramble toward the front door.
If you happen to be wearing slippers, you will hopefully not injure your feet as you stumble down the front stairs onto the cement walkway and grab the cans full of discarded items.
If you are not wearing slippers, there is no time to grab footwear, so suck it up Princess.
You must then carry the heavily laden bins of trash to the curb. This is where the event would be broken down into various categories - like the 100- and 200-metre sprints in the real Olympics - because the distance you have to lug the trash cans depends on how long your driveway is.
Obviously, people with longer driveways will have to train harder than those blessed with short driveways.
There could also be the cut-the-lawn-before-it-rains-because-your-teenage-son-forgot-to-do-it-when-he-got-home-from-school-and-now-he-claims-he-has-too-much-homework-even-though-he-spent-an-hour-texting-his-girlfriend event.
This is good for your cardio as you push a 70-pound lawnmower around your yard as fast as possible.
Like the garbage event, there will be different categories to accommodate the different-sized lawns. 
But not all Average Joe Olympic events involve tests of physical prowess.
The we-have-to-have-our-children-in-different-places-at-the-same-time event requires a completely different skill set.
This one involves strategy, a knowledge of the destination routes and  clear thinking more than physical attributes.
Trying to be three places at once seems impossible, but I have seen my wife do it on several occasions and I am always amazed how she gets everyone where they are supposed to be when they are supposed to be there.
Team events could also include the clean-up-the-house-before-the-unexpected-guests arrive competition.
Teams would get a phone call someone will be 'popping by' in a few minutes and they must then tidy, vacuum and do something with the dirty dishes they 'were going to get to later.'
This one requires co-ordination, organization and above all a cool head. Panicking will not get things cleaner any faster.
My wife would excel at this event because when she gets into a cleaning frenzy, there is no stopping her.
Throughout the Average Joe Olympics there would be surprise competitions such as the I-need-to-bring-a-dozen-cupcakes-to-school-today event.
This is one of the most stressful of all the competitions because it will be sprung on the contestants 15 minutes before the child has to be in school.
Contestants must quickly weigh their options: is there any sort of acceptable substitute in the freezer? Can the cupcakes be taken to the school later if I make them now?
Competitors will get extra bonus points for either one of these, but they will also earn points by rushing to the store and picking up a dozen cupcakes while muttering under their breath.
Translations of these muttered statements will not be made public, so contestants can feel free to mumble away.
There will be substance testing at the end of each day's competition, just to make sure contestants are properly medicated.
Those not in compliance will be given a glass of wine and directed to the nearest couch, recliner or lawn chair.

copyright 2014, Darren Handschuh