You are not alone at Christmas

“It's the most wonderful time of the year...”
Or so the song goes anyways, but for many people, Christmas is not all that wonderful.
In fact, it can be the worst time of the year.
For people struggling with mental illness, Christmas can magnify the suffering and the challenges they face on a daily basis.
Depression and other mental difficulties can often be isolating. Being trapped in the darkness of an unhealthy mind is one of the loneliest places in the world.
I told a friend once it is like I was screaming in a crowded elevator and no one hears me.
I can remember driving around in my car and feeling so overwhelmed by loneliness I honestly did not know how I was going to make it through another Christmas.
It is such a desolate place to be: trapped in your own mind that is telling you no one is there for you, no one is in your corner.
Of course, these are lies fed by my illness. I had people who cared about me, but I could not see it through the choking smog of pain ignited by the fires of mental illness.
Christmas and all the joy and togetherness it represents was like pouring fuel on that fire. Those feelings of solitude, isolation and, indeed, desperation, grew to such a fury, the fires of hades paled in comparison.
Over the years, I have come a long way in my personal struggle. I have  sought out  counselling, read a lot of books, taken courses and worked hard to understand why I was feeling the way I was. Dealing with mental health issues, no matter the type, is a self-determined journey: you are the only one who can take the first step on the road to wellness. You are the only one who can make you climb that mountain.
For the most part, those feelings of loneliness are now gone, but they are far from forgotten.
Even as I write this, I remember how alone I felt, how empty I thought my life was and my heart breaks for anyone suffering through such darkness  at any time of year, let alone Christmas.
You are not alone. You are not the only one struggling with those feelings.
I know how hard it is, I know the anguish it can cause, the desolation of the spirit it can bring upon someone.
But there are places to go to not be alone. Many churches hold candlelight Christmas eve services. You do not have to be a person of faith to attend. It is just a peaceful, welcoming place to be where you are not alone, where you interact with people.
A good friend of mine found solace in an online group and it is now a tradition for him to spend Christmas chatting and Skyping with people all over North America.
The Canadian Mental Health Association also has numerous resources available to help, kelowna.cmha.bc.ca.
And if you feel it is more than you can take, I implore you, please call the crisis line where you will find people who care about your well being.
Remember, you are not alone, others walk with you. Help is available, all you have to do it accept it.

Time to talk about mental health

I am coming out of the closet.
While I am not gay, I have been hiding something from many people for many years: I have clinical depression.
At its best, I carry on like anyone else, enjoying life as it happens.
But at its worst I am consumed by blackness. Dark, dangerous thoughts permeate my mind – thoughts of self harm, thoughts of suicide.
The death of actor Robin Williams, who had battled depression and addiction issues for  years, has people talking about mental health issues, which is good because anything that is brought to the light can not remain hidden in the shadows.
I always said I would be open and talk about my own struggles with depression, but I must admit I have been selective in who I make this revelation too.
Some of my closest friends know, people at my church know, as does my family, but unless I want you to know, you most likely will have no idea.
I have become an expert at faking it. Even when I am recoiling in pain on the inside, I am witty and a jokester on the outside.
I can erect a facade few people can see through. There are people I have worked with for almost 20 years and I suspect they have no idea the internal struggles I wrestle with.
I have a family history of depression and I decided at a young age if I had it, I was going to admit it and do everything I could to fight it. Medication, counselling and prayer are all major weapons in the war against my inner demons.
But often those demons make a charge, they attack with an unrelenting and merciless assault. It is in those times when life is the hardest and most dangerous.
Dangerous to myself because the pain is so great, the isolation from the outside world so complete, I feel utterly alone and do not know how I will get through the next minute of the day.
The incredible sadness depression generates can be overwhelming and incapacitating. There has been more than one day when I have sat at this very keyboard and wondered how I was going to survive the next 60 seconds of my life.
I am on medication, I am in counselling and I have an amazing wife who is always ready to fight the darkness with me.
I have a God who will never abandon me, but still there are times when the pain is so great I want it to end by any means possible.
I have found the more I fight the depression, the shorter those dark times are. They still happen, but their duration is much less.
Through my years of struggle, I have learned many things about depression. The first and most important thing anyone can do if they have depression is to admit it and to seek help.
You have two choices when it comes to mental health issues: fight it, or lose to it. There are no other alternatives. If you ignore it, it will consume you.
The brain is just another organ in the body and occasionally organs malfunction. If you have heart problems you would not hesitate to see a doctor. The heart and brain are the same thing – organs that perform a specific job and when they are not doing the job properly, doctors can help.
The first step is to see your family doctor for an assessment. You must be completely honest or the results will be skewed.
You are not weak, you are not inferior and you are not crazy. You simply have a malfunctioning organ that needs a little help.
Depression is a nasty, brutish entity that wants nothing more than to destroy you. But it is a self-determined journey. Only you can admit you need help. And once you admit it, there is lots of help available.
And remember no matter how dark things look, or how isolated you feel you are not alone. Others walk the same path, it may not always be an easy path, but you, we, can do it.
For more information on mental health programs in this area, go to cmhakelowna.org, or cra.com.

Copywrite 2014 Darren Handschuh