Enjoy your flight and hand over your money

When you go on a trip, you expect to get fleeced a little bit.
At times, you are a captive audience and those holding you captive know it. They have the power. They have the means to suck as much money out of your pockets as they want, and there is little you can do about it.
Gouging is an appropriate term for how travellers are treated, as every little way to exploit their vulnerability and lack of alternatives is milked like a fat cow with an endless supply of milk.
These people are ruthless and merciless in their quest for the almighty dollar.
I learned this on a recent trip to Mexico, where we were legally robbed by a group of banditos with dollar signs spinning in their eyes.
I am, of course, referring to the airline industry.
There are no free rides in life and the airline industry is taking that mantra to a whole new level.
First, you purchase a ticket to be transported on the flying machine, which is an obvious and expected part of the trip.
But when we went to check in, we were informed our ticket would let us fly, but not our luggage.
That would be an extra US$25 per bag – each way.
Why not just include that in the price of the ticket in the first place?
Because then it would make the ticket more expensive and people would not think they are getting such a great deal. And once you are actually at the airport, odds are you are not going to cancel your trip just because these skyway robbers are holding your luggage hostage.
So you mumble under your breath as you kick out even more money for something you thought you already paid for.
Once in the air, the fleecing is far from over.
Hungry?
No problem, for just another US$6-10 you can purchase something resembling food.
The airline equivalent of a TV dinner is not exactly fine dinning, but what can you do? You can either buy the slop they are selling, or go hungry.
Alcoholic beverages can also be purchased at insanely jacked up prices. I did not buy any myself, but the man next to me paid US$6 for a single can of beer.
That’s more than seven loonies for a can of hops and barly the airline purchases for less than a single greenback.
But the airline did offer some personal service in the form of a free tiny cup of water or pop. I have seen communion glasses larger than that.
They also offer a scrumptious bag of flavoured pretzels – totally free of charge. (I guess they had to stop serving peanuts because of people with nut allergies.)
The pretzels were quite tasty, but with a bag that small it was hard to fully appreciate the culinary experience.
Feeling a little personally violated, we did get to our destination in a matter of hours, making flying a much faster and efficient way to cover the great distance from Canada to Mexico.
While in Mexico, we visited a market and were beseiged by vendors selling their wares. You could not walk past a little shop without someone soliciting you to come in and buy something. But unlike the air bandits, I could walk away from this attempt to extract money from my wallet.
And with the vendors, everything was negotiable. What they were asking was merely a starting point, whereas the US$6 beer was not up for haggling.
The vendors were somewhat intense in their aggressive selling tactics, but at least with them when you settled on a price, that was it. There were no hidden fees.
“The sombrero is $10, but the string to hold it on is another three.”
That conversation would only happen if the vendors were taken over by airline executives.
The Mexican vendors tried to get as much money out of us gringos as possible, but at least they were upfront about it.

Copyright 2015 Darren Handschuh

Taking a winged, metal beast to Mexico

The Missus, myself and a couple of the our young ones (who aren't so young anymore) will be heading to Mexico in the near future.

I have never been to Mexico before and am looking forward to a big glass of their refreshing, straight-from-the-tap water.

I am kidding or course, while I may never have set foot on Mexican soil before, I have heard about the fun and excitement that awaits an unsuspecting traveller who downs some of its natural liquid resources. I am hoping to avoid that particular aspect of Mexico as I do not want to spend all my time viewing a foreign land from the inside of a toilet stall.

This will not be your typical Mexican vacation. No all inclusive resorts for this family. Instead of five days pool side, we will be spending three days building a house for a less fortunate Mexican family.

Everyone chips in to cover the cost of the materials needed to build the modest home, so not only are we going there to work for someone else, we are paying to do it.

I have never claimed to be too smart, but of course the reward of helping someone in need will far outweigh the expense and effort.

We are all very much looking forward to it. But it won't all be toiling under the hot Mexican sun, the last two days of our adventure will be spent pool side at a hotel on the ocean.

But before we can do any of this, we have to get there and that means taking flight in a winged, man-made beast.

I do not have a lot of experience flying and the first time I was on a commercial jet was when I was 23. I had been on a short flight in a helicopter before and even 'flew' my buddy's single engine airplane for a brief distance, but my honeymoon trip to California was my first jetliner experience.

My dad is deathly afraid of flying and he passed some of those fears down to me, so when I boarded the metal tube of terror all those years ago, I was a nervous wreck.

It did not help that we were flying at night and bounced our way through a storm. My wife, who was cool as a cucumber the entire time, said I was as white as a sheet as I gripped the armrests of my seat hard enough to leave a permanent impression.

Even after we cleared the storm, the plane was still vibrating, but now it was because of my uncontrollable shaking.

The return flight was much smoother and much more enjoyable and since then I have been on a few flights, including to Russia and back.

That was mostly uneventful flying, except when approaching JFK airport on the return trip where we slammed into a severe thunderstorm.

“Uhhh, this is your captain speaking, we may encounter a little turbulence on approach, so we are asking to keep your seatbelts on and secure all loose items.”

A little turbulence? A little? That was like saying Godzilla was an itty, bitty salamander. I have never experienced anything like that in my life as the plane dropped like a stone several times causing screams of pure panic (no, not from me). Many of my fellow passengers were completely freaking out.

I looked over at a flight attendant and even she looked scared.

I thought that can't be good, but when I realized there was nothing I could do about the situation, I just sat back and enjoyed the ride. Being scared and screaming like a small girl would not change things. Besides, it was not like there was a spider in my shirt or anything.

Any fear of flying I had left in me was gone at that moment and taking flight is no longer a concern.

So I am looking forward to the upcoming Mexican adventure, eager to see new lands and meet new people.

Copyright 2015 Darren Handschuh

The lobster people are here

One of the things I always find amusing about summer is the Lobster People.

No, these are not people with weird deformities that causes them to resemble a delicious and expensive sea crustacean.

These are the people who are vacationing in our sunny climes and are as red as a stop sign from too much outdoor merriment.

It helps make tourists easy to spot as they look like tomatoes with legs (very red legs that is.)

Locals have either already gained a bit of a tan from the sunny-yet-cooler months of the spring and early summer, or they know enough to lather themselves in SPF 4,000 before going out.

But many of our tourists come from a flat part of the country (I'm not mentioning any specific areas here) where summer is typically a couple weeks in late July so getting out and enjoying that great big ball in the sky is too much to resist.

So they doff their work boots, jeans and hardhat in exchange for a bathing suit and a floatie, and splash around the lake as the sun slowly and subtly cooks them.

It is usually not until the next day they realize the folly of their actions. Then they grab all the after burn ointment they can find and cover every bit of bright red skin they can reach.

I don't even want to think about what happens to nudists.

They are exposing parts of their bodies to the sun that typically don't interact with that big ball of brightness.

I have never been to a nude beach, and the world is a better place because of it.

I could see myself ditching my swim suit to splash around eu naturale, only to cause the other beach goers instant blindness and nausea so bad not even Pepto would be able to help.

It would cause a mass exodus from the beach as if a land shark was gobbling up people like a fat guy at a buffet.

In other words, me running around the beach naked would be a bad thing.

I would also like to take a moment to apologize for any mental images I may have generated with the previous paragraphs.

Don't worry, with the proper amount of therapy and deep hypnosis the image will fade.

Copywrite 2014 Darren Handschuh