Leave it up, ladies

By DARREN HANDSCHUH
Yay, we win.
Finally, men have a valid, bon-a-fide, honest-to-God excuse for leaving the toilet seat up: safety.
That’s right ladies it has been scientifically proven it is safer to leave the seat up.
I guess I should clarify a little bit before men around the developed world start to do the toilet seat victory dance.
It would seem crashing toilet seats can be extremely hazardous to young boys who are learning to use the flushing mechanism.
According to doctor type people, “falling toilet seats are injuring an alarming number of recently potty-trained toddlers. The medical term for the damage - penis crush.”
Just seeing both of those words in the same sentence is enough to make any man cringe.
Writing in this month’s issue of the British Journal of Urology, (I didn’t know there was such a journal either) Dr. Joe Philip and his colleagues report on four boys under the age of four who were admitted to hospital with injuries serious enough to require an overnight stay.
How are these innocent children injured by a toilet seat? The problem is when they lift the seat to um, er, ah, tinkle they are not lifting it all the way and the lid of doom comes smashing down on their boy bits causing some physical damage and possibly instilling a life-long fear of porcelain.
The good news, according to the pee-pee doctors, is none of the damage was serious or long lasting. But still, the injury is something that must be avoided lest Junior become mentally scarred for life.
Dr. Phil backs me up on my fears.
“We are concerned that the growing trend of heavy toilet seats poses a risk not only to their health, but to their confidence,” Philip says.
It would seem heavy wooden, ceramic and ornamental toilet seats are quite popular at the moment and are aggravating the problem.
This is another reason I am glad I did not purchase that lead toilet seat I had my eye on a few years back.
To help counter the trauma of the falling seat, doctors recommend parents supervise their child, especially in a strange home where a vengeful loo may dwell.
I have a suggestion of my own as well. For whatever reason, some people feel it necessary to put one of those clothe covers over the toilet lid. Why? I have to idea.
Maybe they think the toilet looks better with a hat on. Perhaps when it is really cold, a scarf would also be in order.
If the knitted or plush lid cover does not serve any real purpose, I urge you, no, I implore you, to keep the decorative booby-trap away from the personal facilities.
These things almost guarantee the seat cannot go all the way up, so I beg of you, think of the children.
But perhaps there is a method to this madness. Perhaps, it is a conspiracy by the ladies of the world to guarantee the seat is left down because with the doily of destruction on the lid, there are no other options.
I see it all now. It is so clear. Up until this moment I always thought the lid covers to be nothing more than a decorative chapeau for the lavatory. But now I see a grander, more fiendish plan to keep the lid, and thus the seat, in the down position.
I have to admit, well done to whoever devised the clothe contraption.
But aesthetics (as the covers are ‘claimed’ to be for) has been trumped by science. Good, old fashion science by real, live doctors has proven how dangerous the seat situation can be.
Is there a compromise to leaving the seat in the full and upright position? It depends on who you ask.
Let’s consult the good doctor again and see what he has to say.
Dr. Phil suggested parents who refuse to leave the seat up should consider training their toddlers to hold up the seat with one hand.
However, pediatrician Dr. Marvin Grans disagrees. Grans, the discoverer of the seat-not-lifted-all-the-way-to-the-top-can-cause-a-painful-pee-pee syndrome, feels holding two things at once may be a little too much for Junior.
“The trouble is, when you’re little, holding the seat with one hand requires a bit of a stretch. He just might fall in,” was the dire warning from Grans.
So there you have it, for the sake of the children please leave the seat up.
shoenews@shaw.ca