Shopping seriously sucks

By DARREN HANDSCHUH

My wife thought it would be a good idea if we went to a local mall to do some shopping.
While I am not a huge fan of shopping I didn’t have a lot else on the agenda so off we went.
While driving to the mall I casually asked my wife what we were shopping for. Her answer made by blood run cold: “I need a new dress for this weekend.”
Noooo. Anything but that.
My hands instinctively reached for the door handle and I considered bailing out. After all, we were only doing 60 km/h, how much could it hurt?
I figured a few days of hobbling around wrapped in a couple meters worth of bandages was a fair trade for avoiding dress shopping, but before I could put my plan into action we were at the mall.
Its neon sign shone like a beacon of doom. I could almost hear a sinister laugh as we stepped through the front doors and headed to the department store which had more dresses than J. Edgar Hoover’s closet.
I followed my wife around like a lost puppy as she looked at dresses in various shapes and colours. For a fleeting moment I thought of escaping to the tool department and began to work on an excuse to leave, but her female ESP locked onto my thoughts and shot the idea down before I could even form the words.
“Don’t think of running off because I want you to help me pick one out.”
She selected a few and headed to the change room where I was banished to the husband waiting area which is comprised of a few chairs.
I sat waiting until she stepped out in the first dress.
“How does this one look?”
“You look great. Perfect, you found it first try.”
“No, I don’t think so. I don’t like this one.”
Then why did you try it on? Buying clothes would go a lot faster if you tried on only the ones you liked.
I, of course, did not say that. I just let the thought rattle around in my head before filing it with the other logical things I have always wanted to say, but fully knew the futility of saying them.
So I sat there and looked around and tried to keep myself amused. I snickered at people with bad hair cuts and watched as kids tried to convince their mom they needed every toy in the store.
I became so bored I even tried to see how far I could stick my little finger into my ear.
Looking at another husband across from me I gave a cursory nod.
“What are you in for?” he asked while pulling his finger out of his ear.”My wife is looking for a dress for this weekend. And you?”
“My wife is looking for a skirt and blouse for a work thing,” he replied, his voice almost cracking.
My heart immediately went out to the poor soul slumped in the hard, plastic chair. I had to endure my wife trying on a single item of clothing, but this poor sap had it even worse.
His wife was not only looking for two pieces of clothing, but the pieces were an outfit so she had to coordinate them and match them and make sure they were perfect.
I felt a strange bond with him as he looked mournfully at the floor contemplating his fate.
A thought formed in the far reaches of my mind. What was stopping me and my new found friend from simply getting up and leaving?
The answer came even before the question finished forming – our wives that’s what.
Eventually my wife found the dress she was looking for and I thought we were free, but with a new dress must come a new pair of shoes.
As I trudged off to the shoe department I glanced back at my kindred brother in the waiting area and gave him a knowing look.
“Hang in there brother, you can do it.”
He in turned looked at me like a condemned man before casting his eyes once again to the floor.
As I watched him grow smaller in the distance I noticed another man accompany his wife to the change room and sit down on the chair, thus continuing the flow of the universe.
shoenews@shaw.ca