Friday, March 13, 2009

Bald is best, baby

So what is the big deal about hair loss?
What’s wrong with showing a little scalp?
As you may have guessed I am of the forehead enhanced group and I don’t have a problem with it.
But some people do. They arrange their hair in goofy configurations – known throughout the land as a comb over – to cover their shame.
There are advertisements for laser hair therapy, or LHT for those in the know, and a whole truck load of ways to make the locks last longer.
There are even clubs for bald guys who wish they were hair guys.
I don’t get it.
Like with so many other woes of society – such as every movie Pauly Shore has ever made – Hollywood is to blame.
You will notice there are no bald people in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy.
More than 200 hours worth of movie and there is barely a scalp to be seen in all of Middle Earth. Oh sure, there is one bald Hobbit in the opening and closing scenes, but that’s it.
Other than that, the only ones without hair are the Orcs.
Is Hollywood saying losing your hair is akin to being some hideous creature with bad teeth and a skin condition that really should be looked at?
What if Frodo was bald? Or Legolas? Would that be so bad?
Instead, the main characters have more hair than a 1980s rock band.
The monstrous ‘90s hit “Jurassic Park” did have a few hair-challenged characters, but they were all eaten by dinosaurs.
The balding lawyer was the first to go – chomped by a T Rex.
The balding computer technician played by Samuel L. Jackson was also a dino pate when he was set upon by a flock of velociraptors which obviously preferred a hairless meal because they also ate the balding big game hunter.
So who survived? People with hair, that’s who. All the heroes with their lovely locks lived to be part of the sequel.
So once again Hollywood is screwing the bald man.
Do people with hair know how tough it is to be bald? Do they appreciate the hell we must endure on a rainy day and we don’t have a hat?
Do they know what it’s like to feel that great, big freezing drop of water fall from the eves of a building and land with a smack on an uncovered cranium?
No, they don’t because they have a little helmet of hair between them and that Volkswagon-size drop of water acting like a personal ozone layer.
On TV it’s the same story. People with hair are running around being the hero and saving the damsel in distress while the bald guy waits in the wings and is treated like the drunk uncle nobody talks about.
“OK. The script says it’s time for someone to get killed, quick, send in the bald guy.”
And the bald guy shows up just in time to get munched on by a dinosaur with an eating disorder or to get splatted by a falling piano.
There are a few exceptions to the rule. Take Bruce Willis for example.
True, he may have started his career with hair, but he is now one of us – a brother of the scalp. Fortunately shaving your head bald is en vogue so he can get away with it.
The trend of shaving one’s head is proof that deep down inside, hair people want to be bald people.
Ron Howard is bald, but he always wears a hat – obviously he has not come to terms with his condition. Accept it Ron, you are a bald man.
But the ratio of bald actors to hairy ones remains seriously lopsided. It’s an attempt by Hollywood to keep the bald man down.
It’s like Hollywood is terrified some sort of weird hair leprosy will strike them down if they associate with the follicle-diminished.
So it’s time for baldies to unite. Stand tall and stand proud. And when one of the hair people come close, reflect the sun off your forehead and blind them.
It won’t give you any more hair, but you might feel better knowing you have just fried their retinas.

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