Tuesday, March 24, 2009

From the D'uh files

You have to wonder about the wisdom of people some times.
Making headlines recently is the duck genocide at an oil sands facility where some 500 water fowl were killed in a gooey lake of death.
People are up in arms about the poor beaked beasts and the icky death they endured, as well they should be. The mallard holocaust even made CNN.
The mantra of environmentalists was save the creatures and blast the company for the damage it was doing to the environment and how evil and dangerous the corporate suits are as they sit in their ivory tower and count money while innocent ducks get sucked into the black ponds of doom.
So, in an effort to save face, the corporate executives came up with the touching move of flying three ducks to a rehab centre aboard the company jet.
We are talking about three whole ducks here. That should polish their image in light of the hundreds that have died. Good job.
Correct me if I am wrong, but does this not make sense to anyone else out there? How much pollution was pumped into the air from the jet in what amounts to a PR effort to save three members of Daffy’s extended family?
Sure the ducks may survive, which is a good thing, but the temperature of the earth rose four degrees from the pollution created saving their lives.
It’s kind of like using a stick of dynamite to catch fish because you are worried about losing some fishing line in the water.
Here’s a nutty idea, why not bring the material needed to save the ducks to the ducks?
What a plan. Instead of flying a few feathered friends first class to the rehab centre, maybe bring the rehab centre to the ducks.
Another item from the ‘You-have-got-to-be-kidding-me’ file is one of a lady holding a fundraiser to help her ailing pooch.
Apparently Fido has some sort of eye dilemma going on and the worried owner is holding a party at a night club to raise money for a medical procedure.
The hound has two problems actually: a growth coming out of his eye and his teeth need to be fixed because he chews rocks.
It sounds like this dog went to ‘special’ obedience school.
I know dogs are not the smartest creatures on the planet, and I admit I had a canine that bit a few rocks as a puppy (he soon got over it and his teeth were fine), but I find this scenario a little odd to say the least.
It’s going to cost $1,400 to have the dog repaired. I am an animal lover and have had pets my entire life, including several dogs, so I know how much you come to care about them, but at $1,400 Bowser may just have to live with the deficiencies and cut back on the rock consumption. There was no mention the dog’s life was in peril, so perhaps a re-evaluation of priorities is needed.
I know it’s easy for me to say because it is not my dog, but that is a lot of money to spend on something that licks its own butt.
“I’m sorry kids, we were going to take Fido in and get him looked after, except last night he ran away.”
But I have to admit, the silly beasts do become part of the family, so I can appreciate the effort made to repair said animal. The organizer even lined up a variety of door prizes and the entire event will, of course, have a dog theme.
No word if fire hydrants are going to replace urinals in the men’s room and I hope no one decides to mark their territory in the canine sense because that would get kind of messy to say the least.
According to the pet owner, admission is by donation as long as the donation is $5 minimum. In other words, “Gimme five bucks and you can enjoy a sense of satisfaction by helping a dog so he is not laughed at by other dogs.”
We all know how cruel animals can be.
“Hey, Fido, what are ya gonna do? Gum me to death? Oooh, your flat teeth are so scary.”
And that is just from the cats in the neighbourhood. The dogs would be even less understanding.
Any cash raised over and above the money needed to provide the hound with the required plastic surgery and dentures will be donated to the SPCA, a noble cause indeed.
The fundraiser scheme got me thinking (which is generally not a good thing.)
If the fix-my-dog cash generator plan works, maybe other personal fundraisers could be held.
I would like to have a buy-Darren-a-new-motorcycle fundraiser, where people would get together and donate money for me to purchase a new machine.
Any money left over would go towards purchasing a more expensive motorcycle.
Not quite as noble a cause as saving Bowser from a lifetime of having a gimpy eye and being able to eat only pureed food, but a motorcycle can become like a member of the family and…I know, I know no one is buying this in the least.
OK, so maybe a fundraiser for a personal toy won’t work, but if anyone wants to send me some money anyway, I would let them.

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