Those aren't real

By DARREN HANDSCHUH
I was walking down the street with my wife the other day when this rather attractive young lady walked by.
I did my best to not check her out – actually I did my best to not get caught checking her out, but got caught anyway.
The trick is to not move your head, only your eyes. This is, of course, why they invented sunglasses.
But even if I were in a neck brace and it was impossible to move my head, my wife would still notice. I don't know how she does it, but it is kind of spooky.
Anyway, the lady had a couple of qualities that got my attention. My wife noticed the lady's attributes as well and this six-word conversation followed.
Wife: Those aren't real.
Me: I don't care.
I really don't.
I knew they weren't real. If they were, she would have been able to feed a every newborn in Paraguay - for a year.
Of course, they were fake, made not by the hand of God, but by the hand of a surgeon.
Did I mention I don't really care.
It has been said for centuries beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but nowadays it is also in the eye of whoever has enough money to pay for it.
Born ugly? Get rich and you too can die beautiful.
Have you ever noticed rich people are rarely ugly? There are some seriously esthetically challenged poor folk out there as proven every time a tornado rips through a trailer park in the U.S. and they are interviewed on CNN, but the rich always seem to have stylish hair, perfect teeth and great big set of – bank accounts.
Money can't buy you happiness, but it can make you look a whole lot better in your misery.
Bill Gates has enough money that I am sure if he decided to he could go into the doctor's office looking like Spazzy, King of the Nerds and emerge looking more like Brad Pitt than Brad Pitt. He could probably even be taller it he really wanted to.
Plastic surgery can change your face and implants can change just about everything else.
There are implants for pretty much any part of the body that someone might want to make bigger – male or female.
The most common is the breast augmentation procedure, in which a women gets her, um, er, her girl things enlarged.
There are also implants for men who want to get a certain part of their anatomy increased in size. Enough said on that one.
But breast implants are not strictly for the domain of the lady. Men can also get implants to give them that big, macho Ahhnold-type chest women find so appealing.
Beats the hell out of working out all the time.
Forget the gym, let's run over to the surgeon's office and get some silicon installed.
There are also butt implants, arm implants, shoulder implants and just about any type of implant imaginable to help form that sculpted body so many people are after.
Cosmetic surgery can also make things smaller, move things around, change their shape or remove things all together.
Hair implants come in a variety of forms as man has been battling baldness since the first cave man used a fish rib cage to do a comb over.
Implants can also be of the metal variety as people get steel balls, studs and who knows what else inserted into themselves in an effort to stand out in the crowd.
As for me, I plan on staying the way God made me. A hat takes care of the lack of hair and keeping the lights dim takes care of everything else.
shoenews@shaw.ca