By DARREN HANDSCHUH
The world would be a much better place if it wasn't for all the people in it.
The more I think about that statement, the more it makes sense.
There are many good people in the world, but there are also some real bozos.
Now, faithful readers of my column would expect me to throw in some sort of shot at our elected officials at this point, but I am not going to do that this time, because all you have to do is read the news and the bozos are identified on their own.
Anyway, getting back to the regular bozos among us, there are plenty to choose from so I am going to take a moment and vent my frustration at a choice few.
This first bozo knows full well who he or she is and they know full well what they have done. Bozo No. 1 is whoever drains the last drop of coffee from the office coffee maker and does not make another batch.
It really is not that complicated and I am sure even someone with an IQ slightly less than a turnip can figure out how to do it.
Here is a quick, step-by-step breakdown of making coffee: add filter, put coffee in filter, add water, close lid and push 'on' button.
Now sit back and rejoice at the fact that by taking those extra 28 seconds out of your life you have earned your way off the bozo list.
It will also dramatically decrease the bad things your co-workers are saying about you ñ well, when it comes to draining the black elixir anyway.
Bozo of the day No. 2 is the guy (or gal) who pulls out in front of you at the last moment, causing you to hit the brakes to avoid a vehicular interaction incident.
That in itself is annoying (not to mention dangerous), but then said bozo will drive 10 km/h below the speed limit.
Why would you do that? You cut me off like you are in a hurry to get somewhere, then act like you are part of a funeral precession until to get to your destination. I don't get it.
It is amazing how often this happens and even more amazing how many times it happens when there are no other cars behind me, and Mr. Go-slo can do just that to his (or her) heart's content.
The next bozo is one of the most annoying and one I am sure most people have encountered. This bozo is not going to the dogs, but he (or she) is in charge of them.
Bozo No. 3 is the meathead who does not clean up after Fido drops a little parting gift while being taken for a stroll.
There are these little devices called plastic bags that serve all sorts of useful purposes, including picking up your dog's droppings.
I do not need to be walking down a trail, or even a sidewalk and skid through a big (or even a little) pile of doggy doo-doo.
C'mon, take the extra 10 seconds out of your day and clean up after your pet.
ìWell it is kinda gross to pick that up.î
Kind of gross to pick it up, not nearly as gross as stepping in it and tracking doggy ploppings all over the place. That stuff gets stuck in the treads of shoes and you have to get a stick to clean it out and...well you know how it goes. Now that's gross.
Big dog, small dog, fat, skinny, smart, dumb ñ I don't care ñ if you mutt drops a doggy land mine, it is your job to defuse the situation.
So if you know anyone in any of these categories, let them know they are a bozo ñ especially the doggy doo-doo person.
There, that takes care of my rant for this week. Now if you will excuse me I have to go, but I will be sure to watch for someone drinking coffee who pulls out in front of me while taking their dog somewhere for a walk ñ without a baggy of course.