The other day I was looking in the mirror and I had to ask myself, "What the hell happened to you?"
One day I was this young, vibrant, good looking stud - well, I was young anyway - and the next I was this balding guy with wrinkles and gray hair in his goatee.
The hair on my head is evacuating at an alarming rate.
The rapidly receding hairline, the pot belly and the grey hairs can mean only one thing ñ it is time to stop looking in the mirror.
It's funny how you come full circle, though. When I was a toddler, I was bald with a pot belly, but if I run around the house in just a diaper now, everyone freaks out. Go figure.
The calendar is also my enemy because it is a daily reminder that I am a full-blown, middle-aged guy, and I have the angst about how the first 40-something years of my life went to prove it.
I have talked with my wife about the fun a mid-life crisis will bring, but I am still debating exactly what action I should take to get the most out of the getting-old crisis that is materializing on the horizon.
Having an affair is completely out of the question, no matter what crisis I am going through. When I said, ìI do,î I did and that's all there is to it.
So, what other mid-life meltdowns do I have left available to me?
I could get a sports car, but with one kid entering college next year any money for a fancy car will likely be spent on educating Junior. Which is money well spent because if I don't, he could very likely be on my couch when he is 40 and starting a mid-life dilemma of his own.
So some short-term college pain is for my own long-term gain. However, it does mean I will have to scrub the sports car plan ñ forever ñ as there are two more spawn after the oldest one who will want to go on to post-secondary education, which means I will be cashing in bottles to pay for tuition for the next 10 years or so.
OK, so I will not be having an affair and the only sports car I will ever own will be from the Hot Wheels collection.
I already have a motorcycle so I can not even get one of those in an attempt to feel young. I have had motorcycles off and on since I was 13, so they have always been part of my life ñ young and old.
I have heard of several of my mid-life brethren who have gone out and bought a motorbike that was way too big and powerful for them ñ especially when you consider many had never had one before.
This led to their mid-life crisis being converted to a medical crisis due to some form of untimely dismount from their metal steed. In other words, they crashed the stupid thing because they had no idea what they were doing.
Well, at least all that road rash took their mind off getting old.
So, no affair, no sports car and I already have a bike. Hmmm, I am sensing my mid-life options are dwindling. There is always a complete nervous break down I suppose, but that sounds like a lot of work and at my age, I need my rest.
No affair, no sports car, no motorcycle option and a mental breakdown is more hassle than it's worth.
I guess I will have to sit back and see what happens.
However, if anyone has any suggestions I am all ears, but you will have to speak up because at my age, the hearing is not a good as it once was.