Friday, March 29, 2013

Size does matter, but not in the way you think

Poor Bruce may never be the same again.
You see, Bruce got his butt whooped the other day. The big, lovable, eight-year-old Golden lab messed the wrong animal and paid the price.
Bruce and the other dog see each other almost daily when they are taken for a walk along a wooded path. On a typical day, Bruce is all over the other hound with playful nudges and licking and sniffing – lots and lots of sniffing.
But on this particular day, the other dog did not feel like being mauled by the big, loveable brute and decided to take a stand.
As Bruce moved in for one of his patented ‘Hey man, I love you’ sessions, Murphy the Wonder Dog had had enough, and with Ninja-like skill and while channeling the power of The Incredible Hulk, he planted his two front feet firmly into Bruce’s chest, sending the bounding beast bouncing down the trail.
No really, he did. Murphy, who weighs in at a whopping 17 pounds, bested Bruce the full-grown  Labrador who weighs in at around 80 pounds.
When Murph the Surf planted his mighty paws on Big Bad Bruce, Big Bad Bruce literally fell over. Poor Bruce had a pained expression on his face as he got up. Everyone who witnessed the act had a look of shock and disbelief on their faces.
Bruce’s owner said he deserved an Oscar for such a performance as the one he put on that chilly morning. Bruce was not injured in the least, but Murphy, meanwhile, was popping it. He was strutting like only a little dog with a big attitude can.
For the rest of the walk, Murphy led the way with confidence. After all, he did just lay a smacking on someone five times his size.
The next time Bruce and the Murphy met, Bruce decided to take a wide berth and not even give the little brown dog a courtesy sniff as they passed. He literally walked on the other side of the trail.
Murphy meanwhile had a look of, ‘That’s right. You better walk away big man. There is a lot more where that came from.’
Bruce wore the same hurt look on his face as he trotted past, head hung low. Murphy was still popping it like he had thumped a pack of wild hyenas.
I guess size matters, but it is not always the larger size that rules the roost.
Take my wife for example. I am 6’4” tall and weigh around 250 pounds. My wife is five feet tall and weighs…do you really think I was to print how much my wife weighs?
I may be dumb, but I am not that dumb. Let’s just say I am a lot bigger than she is.
She is a tiny woman, but that doesn’t mean she is one to trifled with. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, well you should try pissing off my wife some day and see what that bring you.
She is a loving and amazing woman, a terrific mom and wonderful friend, but she does have a bit of a fiery side to her.
Like I said, I am way bigger than she is and physically there is no contest, but I would rather face a hoard of genetically mutated bikers with bad breath and no deodorant than be on the receiving end of my wife’s wrath.
It is not often I have seen that wrath lay waste to the land around her, but it has happened.
And besides, that fire is one of the things that attracted me to her in the first place.

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