Sunday, May 19, 2013

My name is Darren and I am not addicted to my cell phone

I think of it as a cosmic balancing of the universe.And I am OK with that.You see, I have a cell phone and that drives my wife crazy. Right now wives everywhere are rolling their eyes, shaking their heads and muttering under their breath about their own hubby’s cellular mistress.But this problem may surprise many wives out there - I am not addicted to my cell phone.In fact, I can’t stand the stupid thing.My wife on the other hand is no more than 30 centimetres away from hers at any given point in time.If it buzzes, rings or beeps she is on it faster than a dog on a three-legged cat.The youngsters are even worse. My son sends more texts in a day than I thought were humanly possible.As for me, I am not too attached the infernal device and I waited - perhaps better described as resisted - for a long time to get a cell phone.“But if you had one, then we could get in touch with you no matter where you are or what you are doing.”And that is exactly why I waited so long to get one. I don’t really want people to get in touch with me no matter where I am or what I am doing.And it is this attitude that drives the Little Woman absolutely bonkers.“Why do you even have a cell phone?” she has asked on more than one occasion.“Mostly because you made me get one,” is oft my reply as I watch the steam shoot out of her ears.I admit cell phones can be handy little devices in case of emergency. Like when you can’t find the Missus in the mall and if you spend one more minute rambling around the centre for shopping your head will explode.Then a phone comes in handy to send a quick text, connect with the Missus and plead my case for leaving.They also come in handy for keeping in touch with the children, who are usually scattered to the wind with their friends.But when I am doing yard work, exercising or engaged in a variety of other activities, I do not want to stop and answer the stupid phone – so I don’t, and that drives my wife nuts.But like I said, I consider it balancing out one annoying trait she has that drives me nuts.I can move pretty fast when the occasion calls for it. If we are running late I can fly around the house and get ready faster than The Flash on Red Bull. At work, I can move so fast there’s smoke coming off my keyboard.However, my wife only has one speed – medium/slow. That’s it. That is the only speed she can move at.It doesn’t matter what the situation is, how late we are running or where we have to be, she moves at medium/slow.It took many years for me to accept this is just how she is. No amount of talking, prompting or complaining will get her to move any faster.Believe me, I have tried and tried and tried…It still drives me crazy, but after 25 years of wedded bliss, it is just something I have learned to live with.And that brings us back to that infernal electronic gizmo so many people have.The way I see it, I have gotten used to her medium/slow pace, so she is going to have accept I am unable to bond with my cell phone.After having the electronic device from hell for less than three years (I told you I waited a long time to get one) I have no plans of increasing my cellular prowess.She will just have to get used to it, and one of these days I am going to summon up enough courage to tell her that.Hmmmm, maybe I could send her a text.

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