You are never going to out pace the hound and there is no way you are ever going to best the little woman in a battle of the minds.
Even a little dog can run pretty fast and even if you are a high-calibre athlete, odds are the little mutt will eventually catch you and tear you limb from limb.
I have learned size is not important when it comes to arguing with your wife.
I am 16 inches taller and more than 120 pounds heavier than my wife – big deal. Unless we are playing basketball, football or full-contact martial arts that size difference matters not.
I may be much larger in stature, but her brain, vocabulary and ability to express how she is feeling far outweigh my simple mind in the communications department.
Sure I use words for a living, but that is different. I am used to sitting at a computer and pushing down on these little square keys that makes words magically appear on the screen in front of me.
If I have to stop and think about something before pushing more keys, I can sit back and stare off into space until the next idea forces its way into my somewhat wobbly cranium.
I do not have that luxury when 'discussing' something with The Missus.
When it comes to arguing with my wife, I am like one of those old musket rifles used in the American Civil War. It takes a long time to load one shot and that shot is not very accurate.
On the other hand my wife, and women in general, are more like an mini-gun that can fire 6,000 rounds a minute.
Who do you think will win the war with that kind of fire power imbalance?
We will be having a 'discussion' and I feel I am making a strong case for my views and, on occasion, I even think I might actually be winning. Oh, you silly, silly man.
Gentlemen, if you feel like you are close to winning – beware you are in a very dangerous area.
If you think you can see victory on the horizon, you still have a lot to learn about arguing with women.
You see, while you are marching forward with the largest intellectual argument you can form, she is simply waiting with a force so much greater it is a wonder your ideas even left your brain before they were decimated like so many ants under a size 12 boot.
Is it because women are smarter than men?
In my case, you betcha. My wife is way smarter than I am and I have never denied that point. Her intellectual size over me is comparative to my physical stature over her. There is no way I am able to summon enough of an intelligent argument to come out victorious.
Speaking to many of my man friends, I know I am not alone. Brain discrepencies aside, it is also because women are just so much better at articulating thoughts than their hairy chested counterparts.
Throughout history, men would settle differences with fists, swords or other non-verbal methods of commincation, while the ladies had more of a tendancy to talk things out.
Ghenghis Khan never talked his way to a single victory while, say, Queen Elizabeth was much better at diplomacy.
So to my male brethren out there, do not feel bad when you lose an argument to your significant other. Welcome to the club. The wiring of the man brain versus the lady brain has been against us for millenia.
But I have learned six simple words that will end any verbal engagement with your spouse: Yes Dear, You're right, and the never-failing, go-to response, I'm sorry.
copyright 2014, Darren Handschuh