Friday, May 16, 2014

You can't make this stuff up

It's time for another edition of Boneheads in The News.
No, it will not be about politicians, but it will be about people so dumb it is amazing they can function at all.
The first case is hardly a desperate criminal, but a generally law abiding citizen who thought a little humour might get him out of a ticket.
Unfortunately for him, he met a cop with an even better sense of humour.
This story was actually relayed to me by a buddy who denied being the driver (but we all know the truth.)
When my friend, or whoever it may have been, lived in the Lower Mainland he was pulled over for driving by himself in the carpool lane.
The cop asked for his driver's license and registration and explained to him why he was being pulled over.
Being a bit of a wiseacre, the driver looked at the constable and said, “But officer, Jesus is with me so I am not alone.”
The officer went to his patrol car and returned a few minutes later where he handed the driver a ticket and said with a wry smile, “Jesus wasn't wearing his seatbelt.”
In other news, two gangs were having a dispute when one member decided he was going to blow up a rival's car as a warning. He built a bomb at home, snuck to his enemy's house and crawled under the car to place the device when it exploded.
Police said the bomb was on a timer and the maker did not factor in daylight savings time. The timer he used automatically jumped ahead an hour causing the bomb to detonate 60 minutes sooner than planned.
In Florida, a copper thief made things too darn easy for police. The man was looting the wiring from an air conditioning unit in the back of a pick-up truck, but in his haste to get the goods, he accidentally cut off his finger.
Police simply matched the finger to fingerprints they had on file and arrested the bad guy who, of course, denied any wrongdoing and said he was helping the air conditioner owner by doing some free work on the system – at three in the morning.
Police did not buy the excuse and the thief is cooling his heels behind bars.
The culprit is obviously not too bright and, tragically, will now only be able to count to nine.
While this one is not a crime, it does seem pretty dumb. Researchers from Georgia Tech, working at the Atlanta Zoo recording various mammals' urination habits (rats, dogs, goats, cows and elephants), have concluded, regardless of size, each takes about 21 seconds to empty a full bladder.
The first question I have is: why is this important information? How is this going to benefit mankind? Was there some sort of international debate whether it took an elephant longer to pee than a rat? I have never heard of such a debate, but if there is one the question has been solved once and for all. Thank goodness.
A columnist for the Egyptian newspaper Al-Yawm Al-Sabi proposed in March that Egypt should sue Israel in international court for reparations for the 10 Biblical plagues cast from Hebrew curses, including boils, lice, locusts and turning the Nile River into blood.
A few problems present themselves in this case. Because the plagues were an act of God are they going to subpeona the Almighty?
I am sure God would be more than capable of defending himself, which is a good thing because everyone knows how hard it would be to find a lawyer in heaven.
And finally, in the United States a handcuffed man took off from the back of a patrol car, but was quickly caught. Because he was only being detained, police said he could not be charged with fleeing, but a quick-thinking officer came up with something to charge him with: theft for the handcuffs he was wearing when he ran.
I wonder if he has nine fingers.

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