I am truly impressed. I really am.
It is amazing to take note of and stunning in its volume.
I am talking about the amount of clear liquid stuff that has been flowing out of my nose like a snot waterfall.
This particular cold was a gift from my son who has been running around the house for the past week making a sound not unlike an amorous sea lion.
For days he has hacked, gacked and coughed his way through the house and I knew eventually the bug would bite me with unpleasant results.
I went to bed feeling just fine, but woke up feeling like doo-doo, if I may use a medical term.
I had been attacked and thoroughly thumped by the common cold.
I knew the moment I woke up that not all was well in Darrenland. My head felt like it was the size of one of those Macy Day Parade floats and what ever was making all that internal sinus pressure was forcing an icky liquid to evacuate the premises at an alarming rate.
Two exits, no waiting.
If there was a forest fire, all I would have to do is fly over it in a plane, hang my head out the window and blow through my nose. That clear liquid goo stuff would cover the land and smother the fire.
Gross, but effective.
I have always found the sound of someone blowing their nose to be one of the grossest sounds on the planet, just slightly ahead of a political speech only not as icky.
And I always do my best to spare an innocent world from enduring that sound by clearing my nose in private.
But after running from my desk to the bathroom for the 100th time in an hour to blow my nose, I said screw it, grabbed some tissues and cleared the nasal passages at my desk.
I felt bad for my co-workers who had to endure the seemingly endless honking sound my nose produced as I forced even more nasal juice from my head.
It couldn't have been pleasant for them either, but what could I do.
By midday I was contemplating just hanging a bucket around my neck and letting the sinuses drain uninhibited.
Instead I went through tissue after tissue until my nose was red and trash can nearly full.
Oddly enough, no one wanted to sit next to me at the lunch table, not sure why.
For the next few days I gulped cough medicine like and addict and after about a week things were back to normal.
And no one is happier than the guy who sits across from me at work.
copyright 2014, Darren Handschuh