What can I say, I finally caved to the seductive lure of the siren known as technology and was sucked into the high-tech age of 2014: I got an iPhone.
I spent years resisting getting a cell phone and when I did, it was a basic, simple, old-guy phone that did two things: sent texts and let me speak to people.
What more could you want? It did have a basic camera, but no video capability and none of that fancy pants stuff my kid's phones had.
But it did what I wanted it to do, even if it was ancient in cell phone years. It was, after all, five years old.
"Oh, you still have a phone like that,” said a very high-tech co-worker when he saw my dinosaur of a phone sitting on my desk.
I just looked up at him, jumped out of my chair and punched him in the throat.
"Let's see you talk on your fancy pants phone with a crushed larynx, pal.”
I am kidding of course. Violence never solves anything – unless someone brings my daughter home past curfew, then it is the only way to solve things.
When my daughter does start dating (somewhere around the age of 25) I will greet her suitor while sharpening my knife collection and talking to a 'friend' on the phone.
"Ya, I miss everyone in prison too. I have been staying out of trouble, but then again, my daughter hasn't dated anyone since that last kid. Yes, he is eating solid food again – I think.”
Anyway, back to the wonders of cell phones.
My daughter lost her old phone so we got her an iPhone, which she is thrilled with. However, she managed to find her old phone, so I was going to trade in my dino-phone and use her android phone – which was much more advanced.
However, the android phone was experiencing some technical challenges. The stupid thing wouldn't turn on, so I took it to the place we have our accounts only to be told getting it working again might not be covered because there was a crack – just slightly smaller than a mouse hair – in the corner of the screen.
"That could void the warranty, so you may have to pay for the repairs yourself,” the little phone expert guy told me.
So I jumped forward and punched him in the throat.
Once again, I am kidding.
Because I had my dino-phone for so long, I actually had a bit of a credit built up from my monthly payments and found out I could get an iPhone for a mere $4 a month more than I was paying for the dino-phone.
I decided to take the leap forward in technology and now I have a phone that can do everything but wash my car.
As the phone expert guy was explaining everything my new phone could do, I was amazed at what the little thing was capable of.
It has talk and text – pretty much all I needed in the first place – but it also has a decent camera, video capability, weather information, access to the Internet, emails and if I punch in the right combination of letters and numbers, I am pretty sure I can launch a thermal nuclear strike on mainland North Korea.
But the more he talked, the less I understood.
He rambled on about sliding this over here to do that, and sliding that over here to do this.
By the time he was done, I was missing the old tin cans with a string between them I used to play with as a child.
I am sure once I get familiarized with the new contraption, I will be using it like a pro.
But until that day arrives (long in the future) I will pester my kids about how to use the stupid thing, because to them, cellphones are as simple as two tin cans and a string.
Copyright 2014 Darren Handschuh