Monday, March 26, 2012

I love the Tape, my wife doesn't

Being a guy, I have an affinity for duct tape.
I love the stuff. It is one of the greatest inventions man has ever come up with. Duct tape is right up there with the wonders of the modern world: the ability to fly, heart transplants, putting a man in space and duct tape – to name just a few monumental achievements.
In fact, the only achievement that rates higher on the man-meter than The Tape is the remote for the TV, now that is an invention worth not getting up for. As I mentioned, I am a guy so I like The Tape, but I can also be a wee bit of a jokester.
Or a real pain in the posterior – depending on your attitude toward jokesters. My wife knows me very well, but I can still zing one past her on occasion and on this occasion I was able to combine my love of The Tape with my inability to not be a pain in the butt. You see, a piece of arborite was coming off of a countertop and I had promised my wife I would fix it.
Now, now don’t get ahead of yourself, duct tape was involved but remember, I am also a pain in the, um, er, I am a jokester. I knew all I had to do was glue the offending strip of countertop back in place and viola, a very simple repair. Problem was I did not feel like standing there holding the piece to the countertop for two hours while the glue dried so I called upon the Mighty Tape to save the day.
Once I applied a liberal amount of glue, I used a few pieces of duct tape to keep the arborite in place while the glue did its thing. That is when the light bulb over my head went off. The little guy in the red suit on my shoulder hatched a deviously funny prank to play on the Missus.
The little guy in the white suit tried to intervene and talk me out of it, but eventually he too thought the plan was too good to pass up on and last I remember he was high-fiving the other little dude. The plan was simple: even though the glue had dried hours ago, I left the duct tape in place for when the little woman came home. “Hi honey, how was your day at work?
That’s good. Oh, yea, by the way I fixed the kitchen counter top today. See.” She froze in her tracks when she saw the bright silver strips of tape attached to the countertop holding the offending arborite in place. For a moment a brief look of horror crossed her face before she regained her composure. “So what do you think?
That sucker is not coming off again. I used enough tape on there to seal up Titanic. Look, it is as solid as it will ever be. Pretty good, huh?”
Her face changed expression several times during my little speech and I could see she was trying to formulate an appropriate response.
“Um, er, it um, it’s, I think, um er…”
“I know, it kind of leaves you speechless doesn’t it. Best part it only took a few minutes to fix. Anything else you need looked at? I have a lot of tape left.”
All the Missus could do was stand and stare at the tape that was now a dominant feature in the kitchen. Meanwhile the little white and red dudes were laughing their heads off.
I was looking as serious as possible, but it was getting harder to keep up the ruse without smiling. Eventually I broke down and told her the tape was a temporary measure that I used to hold the arborite in place while the glue dried.
A visible wave of relief flowed over her and she smiled at the hilarity of the prank. OK, maybe she did not find the prank hilarious, but I did bring much joy into her life. She was very happy I had not taped the kitchen countertop together.
And if there is one thing I enjoy in this world, it is bringing joy to others – even if they don’t always appreciate it.

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