Friday, August 10, 2012

It is a baffling world out there

It is a baffling and confusing world out there.
Being baffled is nothing new to me and there seems to be a never-ending supply of things to keep me feeling that way.
For example, how come the driver’s side windshield wiper always wears out faster than the passenger side?
You can be driving down the road and the rain is beating against your motorcar with the passenger being able to see things clear as a bell, while the driver has to look through a smudged, smeared mess to see exactly what they are about to crash in to.
And if the wiper does not pack it in completely, there is a big streak across the windshield exactly in your line of sight.
It can’t be at the top of the wiper arc, nor the bottom. No, the stupid streak has to be directly in front of your eyeballs.
Of course, if the passenger side develops a streak it is out of the line of sight.
Another thing I don’t understand is dentists.
For as long as I can remember, dentists have been telling people to brush regularly, floss regularly and don’t eat too many sweets.
Considering their careers are based entirely on fixing teeth, is this the best business plan?
Would a lawyer tell people to solve it themselves? No, then they would not be able to charge $200 for a 30-second phone call.
You would think dentists would want to abolish toothbrushes and tell people to brush their teeth with their fingers and use sugar-infused toothpaste.
“It’s also a good idea to sleep with a sucker in your mouth, that way the sugar can ‘protect’ your teeth all night. No really, it’s good for you. Trust me, I’m a dentist.”
But do they say that? No, they want you to keep your teeth as sparkling clean and healthy as they can be.
And why do dentists try to make small talk with you when your mouth is full of goop, instruments, power tools and whatever else they can cram in there?
What kind of personal interaction are they hoping for? I am pretty sure this is just a little game dentists play to keep themselves amused.
Why do single people always have relationship advice?
Isn’t that kind of like a fat dude telling a marathon runner to get in shape?
I know one guy who has been married and divorced so many times he as a pastor and lawyer on speed dial, but one day he decided to bestow upon me words of wisdom on how to make a successful marriage.
At this point I had been married to one woman for more than 20 years. If you add all of his marriages together they didn’t come to 20 years, but he felt it necessary to take me aside and offer me marital advice.
I must admit though, he was helpful. Not his advice, but by watching him over the years I learned what not to do in a marriage.
He is married again and we are all taking bets as to when this latest incarnation of matrimonial bliss will crash and burn.
I just can not figure out why some people do what they do and from the I-can’t-believe-you-have-lived-as-long-as-you-have file comes the tale of a man in the United States who set his head on fire – on purpose.
This brainiac was at a local watering hole throwing down some adult recreational beverages when he bet his friends he could set his face on fire with some high-proof alcohol.
They did not believe him, so to prove them wrong he poured the highly volatile liquid all over his head and put a match to it.
Well surprise, surprise his entire head caught fire and the security camera shows him running around the bar in panic, in agony and in flames.
He received burns to his face and head. This was no young pup full of pee and vinegar either. He was 37 years old, way too old to be that stupid.
Congratulations you are officially one of the dumbest people to have ever walked the earth and it is only a matter of time before natural selection collects its dues.

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