Thursday, July 17, 2014

Bugs: the bigger they are the more I hate them

Anyone who has read my ramblings knows I have a slight aversion to spiders.
And by slight, I mean the multi-legged spawn of Lucifer himself scare me stupid.
The technical name for it is arachnophobia, I call it spiders are icky and I don't like them-phobia.
As a full-grow, rather large human being, it does put a dent in my veneer of masculinity to utter a high-pitched, school girl-like scream when a spider actually manages to touch my skin.
God forbid one of the eight-legged monsters should somehow end up in an article of clothing where I could feel it wriggling around – just the thought makes me shudder.
The horror is simply too much to imagine.
But I am proud to report I had a very close encounter with a spider the other day and I did not panic, I did not freak out and I did not squeal like a pig caught in a combine.
Nope I casually looked at my tormentor as it crawled up my arm and calmly brushed it away.
Step aside Chuck Norris, the new icon of macho is here.
OK, that might be getting a little carried away because the spider was just slightly smaller than a kernel of corn.
But hey, it was still a spider and spiders are icky and I did not freak out in the least, so I am claiming that as a victory for the spider wimp crowd, of which I am a chartered member.
But it would seem my wimpy-ness is not reserved just for arachnids.
I was going for a leisurely stroll through the park on my lunch break the other day when something flew into my right ear.
It hit with a thump and had this horrific, deep buzzing sound as it fluttered around my ear region.
I knew it was large and at first I wondered how a bald eagle managed to fly up my ear, but deep down I knew what it was: a big, nasty, ugly, scary bug of some sort.
But I was not panicking, or freaking out. I just casually – some might say frantically, but what do they know – brushed the beast away. However, I missed.
As if terrorizing me with its kamakze assault on my ear canal was not enough, it then dropped straight down – into the collar of my shirt.
OK, now I was panicking. I had a monster bug of some sort trying to get way too friendly with me and I had no idea what kind of bug it was.
There really are only two types of bugs in this world: ones that will hurt you, and ones that won’t.
I did not know which type of bug it was, but I automatically assumed it was the painful type so I went in to full blown panic mode and danced around while frantically pawing at my collar to get rid of the horror movie stand in, all the while waiting for the pain of a bite, pinch, small arms fire or whatever else the beast had in its arsenal.
A split second later, this massive black form took off, the thrum of its eagle-sized wings echoing in my conciousness.
I watched it fly away and I was right, it was big and ugly and nasty, but apparently it was not a biter. Or if was, it took pity on me and flew away without inflicting any pain – any physical pain that is.
The psychological trauma lasted for several minutes as I relived the horror of the attack over and over again.
A cold shiver ran down my back, but at least it was not a warm feeling running down my leg.
So yes, it is more than spiders that make a 250-pound man jump around like he has electrodes attached to his nipples.
It is pretty much any bug that is big, ugly and nasty, and folks, that is a lot of bugs.

Copywrite 2014 Darren Handschuh

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