Friday, July 4, 2014

Even more dummies in the news

Police say a man arrested for drunk driving blamed a turtle, a cat, a squirrel and an overhanging tree for a Central Texas wreck.
When police arrived at the scene, the 33-year-old slurring driver was still in the driver's seat and unaware of his location. A witness told officers the driver passed him on the right shoulder, hit a guardrail, left the road and struck a tree.
The man said he performed the driving maneuvers to avoid hitting the woodland critters that darted out in front him.
This was the second time the man had been in an accident while impaired. In the first incident he claimed a herd of pink elephants forced him off the road.
Police did not buy his excuse either time.
In other, more believable critter news, a bear got its head stuck in a cookie jar and had to be rescued – twice.
As people approached the baby bruin to help, it became scared and took off, eventually climbing a tree where it got wedged between some branches and was unable to move.
The bear was tranquillized, rescued from the tree and had the plastic cookie jar gently removed by firefighters.
Fire crews said the bear had buck teeth and kind of looked like Curly from the Three Stooges.
A woman walking along the ocean shore Washington State collecting sea shells, came across what has to be one of the strangest beach combing finds ever: a prosthetic leg.
The woman picked up the apparatus and launched a Facebook campaign to try and find the owner.
Another woman quickly claimed the leg and said it had fallen off while she and her husband were swimming.
The unidentified woman admits she was hopping mad when she noticed her leg was missing, but was happy to have it back.
In Maryland, a woman ordered a burger and fries, but left the fast food franchise with a little more than she bargained for: a bag of marijuana.
When the woman opened her fries, she found a small bag of pot. The woman called police and was angry because she said she ordered everything super sized.
OK, I'm kidding, but the woman actually did call the cops to let them know what happened. Police investigated and it turns out the pot fell out of an employee's pocket and into the bag of deep-friend artery hardeners.
The employee has since been fired, but business has increased at the eatery with people placing the same order: Yea, hey Dude, can I like totally get the 'special' meal?
Speaking of pot, a man was scheduled to appear in court on drug charges. When he showed up for the court appearance, he reeked of marijuana.
A deputy asked the man if he had any dope on him and the man replied he was "not a fool" and "would not bring drugs" to his court date.
The officer patted him down and several bags of pot stuck were found in the man's sock.
Along with the Meathead of the Year award, the criminal mastermind is also facing more drug charges.
Apparently, he was a fool (and not too bright.)
A zoo in Memphis has banned a woman for life after she climbed over a safety barrier and tried to feed cookies to the lions while singing to them.
A zoo official said the woman's actions were "dangerous."
In other news, a Memphis zoo official has been awarded a prize from the Obvious Statement of the Month Club.
In Alaska a seven-month-old dog brought home a wallet the owner did not even know he was missing. The owners of the dog contacted the owner of the wallet who was grateful it had been found.
All of the man's money and other items were still in the wallet, but a month later he received a credit card bill for 10 pounds of  sirloin steak, a dozen squeaky toys and from a website called Live Puppy Chat,

Copywrite 2014 Darren Handschuh

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